One of the greatest mercies of Allah (swt) is the sense of self-realization. It works like a mirror that helps us see the despicable blemishes on our face caused by the evil of our Nafs and bad companionships (real or virtual or both). And the splendid news is that they are repairable. How? By embracing the light of Allah’s (swt) guidance (Quran and Sunnah) and adhering to it firmly.
Conversely it is catastrophic for those who refuse to admit their mistakes and reform. This arrogance and self-deceit not only ruins their present world but also becomes a cause of their destruction in the Hereafter. Our refusal to fix ourselves impacts generations. It has a ripple effect. Our positive self-reform can build a generation, but refusal to do so can break it.
Our beloved Prophet (sa) taught us a supplication to prevent ourselves from becoming oppressors or being oppressed: “O Allah! Indeed I seek refuge with You from poverty, scarcity (of means) and humiliation and I seek with You that I wrong anyone (do Zulm) or that I am wronged.” (An-Nasai)
Islam holds ties of kinship in high esteem but unfortunately, sometimes, due to spiritual, emotional, or mental deficiencies, certain individuals become toxic and a means of darkness for their loved ones.
Recently, I met a young lady who was a thriving chef, educationist. and mother of a girl. Apparently she seemed confident and engaged with everyone in a chirpy demeanour. Later she confided in me how she was going through a terrible time loving her daughter because her own mother always abused her physically and emotionally. This lady knew that she was wrong to follow into the same lethal footsteps and wanted to give her own daughter a better upbringing, but she found herself unable to do so. She still longed for approval from her own mother who was to this date putting her down and causing severe emotional abuse.
In another case, I came across another young single lady who was a marketing guru and very confident in her job. She broke into tears, confiding about how hard she was working to support her parents and younger siblings, yet nobody appreciated her sacrifice and efforts. In fact they expected more from her.
And these are just a few handpicked incidents. More and more cases of abuse are unearthed at homes, workplaces, and elsewhere. Why? Regretfully, our society is losing its balance. There seems to be a tilt towards one side of life. Muslims were to be ‘Ummat-e-Wast’, the moderate nation. We were to be different from Jews and Christians – neither hard hearted nor too soft. The ideal life is when you learn to balance your spirituality (recognition, worship, and prayers to Allah [swt]), with your emotional state (relationship with family, friends, and community), your personal realm (relationship with self, food intake, and health requirements), and your intellectual needs (academics, career, and talent pursuits).
Another grave misunderstanding stems from the eastern culture to serve like a slave. As Muslims, we must understand that we can only be Allah’s (swt) slave. And Our Creator has never asked us to deny our natural growth and needs. There is no obedience to anyone if it causes disobedience to Allah (swt).
No matter how much we love and care for our blood relatives we cannot let them become oppressors. By giving into their unreasonable and unjust demands we are not serving them. We are actually furthering them onto an evil path that ends with Allah’s (swt) displeasure.
For all such situations, make earnest Dua for yourself to seek a high Iman and Amal from Allah (swt). Respect and help your loved ones in all ways possible. Do not become part of their dark plans or help them execute them. Distance a bit if you have to but provide for their basic needs. Seek help from mentors who are adhering to the Quran and Sunnah. If they are impacting you negatively you need to realize this first and foremost. The vicious cycle of abuse has to break before it is transferred to the next generation.
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