I grew up in a joint family. I shared a room with my sister and sometimes my cousins. There was never a dull moment. There was always something to do, someone to talk to. In other words, I was never alone.
That is, until the university admissions results were announced. I got into my “dream school”, and a couple of months later, I found myself at the door of my new dorm in California, a twenty-four hour plane ride away from home.
I graduated this summer. In the past four years, I have made memories and mistakes. This article summarizes the five essential things, which I learned along the way.
- Do not compromise on the values that guided you your whole life.
During the first night on campus, everyone went to a party. There was music, drinks, and everything that accompanies a dark room full of intoxicated college freshmen. I declined, telling them I could not go, because I did not drink and did not want to be in an environment with alcohol. They never invited me to an alcoholic environment again. It became known, respected, and understood that I did not go to parties. My friends and I found other ways to have fun.
Practicing your Deen can be very inconvenient in a non-Muslim country. When you are in an environment, where praying, fasting, eating Halal, and wearing the Hijab are all outside the norm, it is much harder to keep up practicing.
Hold on to these values without compromise. Let the people around you know what your boundaries are. Usually, you will find that people will be respectful of your boundaries and approach you accordingly.
And remember – as the difficulties of practicing your Deen increase, so will the rewards. Your struggle does not go unnoticed by Allah (swt) for a single moment. The test may feel more difficult now than ever, but you will succeed – in this life and the Hereafter.
- Just because you can do it does not mean you should do it.
The buildings on my campus were old, beautiful, and dangerous. At midnight, some kids decided to climb the roofs of these buildings. I was an excitable freshman and joined in. When I got to the top of the roof, some kids decided to go even further – onto a narrow ledge that was wet with rainwater from the previous night. I stayed behind. They laughed at me, as I climbed down the roof alone and went back to my dorm. No one got hurt that night, but over the four years, many of these colleagues broke bones, got concussions, and missed months of school for injury-related reasons. Just because you can climb a wet roof does not mean you should climb a wet roof.
You can do anything at college. No one is there to tell you what to do. You can sleep in and miss class. You can jump off a building (or climb a roof!). You can eat pizza for ten days in a row. You can do anything. This does not, however, mean that you should do everything.
Actions have consequences. Make sure you assess the possible consequences, before you make decisions about your actions. For example, if you decide that you are going to skip class for an entire week, you will struggle during the exam. Having an abundance of choices does not rid you of having to face the consequences of those choices. Think through your decisions carefully. Consider the implications they will have on your Duniya and Akhirah.
This can be particularly difficult when you are surrounded by peers, who strongly abide by the “you only live once” motto. However, you do not only live once – you have the responsibility to care for yourself in the Duniya, so you may be ready for the Akhirah. Realize that the ability to choose freely does not give you the freedom to do whatever you want.
- Seek advice from people who share your values.
I struggled with my Hijab during the first year on campus. I shared this struggle with girls in my dorm. They told me I should take it off, if I struggled with it. Why suffer for no reason? They encouraged me to try a life without it to see what I thought. Their advice was well-intentioned and tempting, too. Before making any decision, I called my cousin back home for advice. Both of us had started wearing Hijab at the same time. We talked for hours. She understood how hard it was and how alienating it felt. She reminded me why we chose to take the Hijab and its importance in our Deen. I regained my confidence and assurance in my faith-based choice.
Freedom is great… until you have to make decisions all alone.
College was the first time where I found myself having to make huge life decisions (like what I should major in?) and minor life decisions (like what I should wear?) independently. While I was able to navigate some of the decisions with ease, there were times, where I felt paralyzed by the number of options available to me. Sometimes, the decision of how to spend a Friday night was enough to cause me significant stress: should I go watch a movie with my friends, pick up an extra shift at the library, sleep early, study all night, or go to a party?
It is important to know that if you are struggling to make a decision, no matter if big or small, it is okay to ask for advice. Just make sure you ask someone who is aligned with your value system.
- It is okay to feel not okay. Ask for help when you need it.
College is hard. Change is hard. Living on your own is isolating. Sometimes it feels like no one understands. You feel, as if neither your parents nor friends understand, what you are going through.
When you feel lost and confused, reach out for help. Reach out to the mental health counselors on campus and make an appointment. Reach out to your professors, if you are running late on an assignment, because you stayed up all night crying with homesickness. When someone asks you how you are doing, it is acceptable to say: “I am not doing okay.” If they offer help, be grateful and make use of it.
- Stay connected to your communities.
I made friends with people of every ethnicity, religion, and background. I loved learning about their cultures and languages. I loved trying their foods and seeing the world through their eyes. I did my best to widen my horizon. But there were days, when you would find me at the local Masjid, hanging out with five Muslim friends, exchanging tips on dressing cute while staying modest, and sharing the struggles of waking up for Fajr on a cold morning. It felt like a home away from home. It was my happy place.
College is a time of change and transformation. I encourage you to use this time and space to create, find, and develop yourself. Push yourself and step out of your comfort zone.
At the same time, it also is soothing now and then to enjoy a space that feels comfortable and familiar. Change and reinvention take a lot of energy. Find places that feel familiar, comfortable, and safe. Join your local Muslim Students Association. Go eat with the Pakistani Student Society. Find communities, where you feel the faintest bit of home and let yourself take a big breath of relief.
These tips are not exhaustive, and you are going to make lots of memories and mistakes along the way. You will learn from these mistakes. I’m sure 4 years from now you’ll be sitting here giving the next generation of foreign students’ survival tips. However, I want you to remember one thing: Allah (swt) is looking out for you. He is protecting you at every step. When you leave home intending to seek knowledge and pray for Allah (swt) to help you maintain your Deen and your identity, you will find miracles, big and small. None of us could have survived college without Allah’s (swt) Mercy. Seek it and start each day by asking for Allah’s (swt) protection and guidance.
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