Omar had worked very hard on building his business. He was considered to be the market leader and a social influencer. His friend Tauqir wanted Omar to endorse a product he had recently launched. However, Tauqir knew that, if he made a request, Omar would refuse because it compromised his values. Therefore, instead of making a direct request, Tauqir started giving favours and running errands for Omar. He wanted to indebt Omar, so that when Tauqir made the request, Omar would feel extremely guilty to refuse his friend.
This is a simple persuasion trick that manipulators use in order to control others. People overburdened by undue favours are compelled to do things that they do not want to do.
Should then people not take favours from each other? Taking favours could mean that they may be asked for something in return that either compromises their values or they are not comfortable doing. What will then build human connections? After all, relationships are built on a healthy exchange of resources. These resources can be material, such as corporate gifts, vouchers, or donations. Alternatively, they could also be such intangible resources as skills, efforts or time.
According to social psychology, people feel obligated to return favours. Keeping this in view, people who give favours can build expectations. As a result, when they perceive they are not getting an equal return, they may feel disappointed, and the relationship might be strained or damaged.
Culturally, people fall into the vicious cycle of reciprocity, wherein they are motivated to act a certain way because of social pressure.
“Invitations are ‘traded’, that is, they should be reciprocated. So, if you happen to be invited by someone, you are pressurised to invite them the next time or else you will be talked about in the most nefarious ways. Hence, you land up in a loop of meaningless social gatherings, from which it is difficult to get out.” (“Grandma’s Pink Shoes” from the book “Rediscover”)
Even more, often people pretend to do favours as goodwill gestures, a giveback, or even in the name of Allah (swt), but their intention is quite the opposite. They cannot ask you directly for a favour, an endorsement or a donation, so a saintly demeanour works well to fulfil their agenda.
The pressure to reciprocate likes and followers on social media is another example of such exchange. People follow and like not because the content is relatable or beneficial but because they want a similar appreciation on their post. This behaviour has barred valuable content from surfacing, while low-quality content is viral on the mainstream media.
Therefore, what are the best practices of reciprocity?
- As a golden rule, communication about any kind of exchange should be very clear. This eliminates all types of unwarranted expectations from either side.
- In a relationship, we should sincerely focus more on giving than getting. Any wrong intentions on either side can create an imbalance, and if this happens, it is advisable not to engage in over-giving.
- When people do something for you, compensate them with something better – this is Ihsaan. This shows your gratitude and strengthens the relationship. Prophet Muhammad (sa) said: “Whoever has a favour done for him should repay it. If he cannot find anything he can use to repay it, he should praise the one who did it. When he praises him, he thanks him. If he conceals it, he was ungrateful to him. Whoever adorns himself with what he has not been given; it is as if he wears a garment of lies.” (Al-Adab Al-Mufrad)
- You might not have the monetary means to return the favour or the return might compromise your values, or land you into the loop of social pressure as discussed earlier. In that case, consciously praying for that person with positive intention in the form of Jazak Allah Khairan (May Allah reward/compensate you with better) can also suffice. This also ensures you are not manipulated, and it saves you from the guilt trap later, if he asks you something in return that you cannot give.
- Do not let anyone distort the religious texts to compel you to do favours or return favours that compromise your beliefs and values.
- Our beloved Prophet (sa) said: “If anyone seeks protection in Allah’s (swt) name, grant him protection; if anyone begs in Allah’s (swt) name, give him something; if anyone gives you an invitation, accept it; and if anyone does you a kindness, recompense him. But if you have not the means to do so, pray for him, until you feel that you have compensated him.” (Abi Dawud)
- Takers come in many forms and have no limits. They will suck your energy. Not only that, they will praise you privately for your kind gestures, but when it comes to thanking you in public, they will hold back their gratitude. Do not be fooled by flattery. Ensure healthy boundaries to stay away from their trap, or you will meet the same fate as this unfortunate fly:
“This beauty, this dress, this elegance, this neatness!
And all this is very much enhanced by singing in flight.”
The fly was touched by this flattery
and spoke, “I do not fear you any more;
I hate the habit of declining requests
Disappointing somebody is bad indeed.”
Saying this, it flew from its place.
When it got close, the spider snapped it.
The spider had been starving for many days –
The fly provided a good leisurely meal.
(“A Spider and a Fly”, Bang-e-Dara, Allama Iqbal)
When you are doing things as a goodwill gesture, a giveback to your community, or simply as a means to seek the pleasure of Allah (swt), then ensure that you do not boast about your favours to manipulate or seek any kind of reciprocity from the taker. If you are seeking reciprocity of any kind, inform the taker in advance, before burdening him with your favour. It will save him from the guilt of receiving and you from any kind of rejection or ill will in the relationship.
“O you who have believed, do not invalidate your charities with reminders or injury as does one who spends his wealth (only) to be seen by the people and does not believe in Allah and the Last Day. His example is like that of a (large) smooth stone upon which is dust, and is hit by a downpour that leaves it bare. They are unable (to keep) anything out of what they have earned. And Allah does not guide the disbelieving people.” (Al-Baqarah 2:264)
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