Author: Neda Mulji
Available at: Liberty Books
Review by: Sadaf Azhar Omar – Writer and subeditor
Parenting should be a rewarding, fulfilling experience; instead, it is emotionally draining and physically exhausting. People refer to the toddlers as ‘terrible twos’, till their children hit teenage years – that is when they realise that those tantrums are preferable to the sullen, secretive, and defiant being they are faced with now. Resentment and rebellion rule the roost now and mutual affection and love seem lost. Why does this happen?
Neda Mulji in her parenting book “The Love Connection” guides parents in forging a strong bond with their children that helps in nurturing and guiding them throughout their lives, not just the formative years or the difficult teenage time. Her premise is that parents are the ‘safe space’ for children, which should provide them with a sense of unconditional acceptance and security. She believes they should be the ‘compass’ that helps them find their bearings and develop their values and ethics in a highly competitive and increasingly brutal world.
Divided into thirteen closely written chapters, she delves into the psychology of parents and children to help us understand our children’s perspective. Our intentions are pure, but often our words and actions do not convey our love and commitment to our children. Her book is full of examples of the parenting mistakes we make, and she gives us alternatives to each incorrect verbalisation, disciplinary tactic, or negotiation that we use.
This book holds valuable insights into our parenting norms and skills. She clearly points out the effects of our ‘cluttered lives’, because of which we tend to reward or punish a child’s behaviour, rather than dealing with the underlying cause. It also affects our ability to bond with our children over shared chores and through teaching those skills ourselves. We prefer to ‘outsource’ not just the formal education, but all skills and abilities that need structured guidance and mentoring. Spontaneity is lost and we make ‘quality time’ for our families at our own convenience, rather than a child’s needs.
She uses Martin Luther King’s quotation: “What are you doing for others?” as a means of illustrating how children learn from our actions and the freedom of making their own choices. Fairness, kindness, and empathy are qualities every parent hopes to inculcate in their children, and Neda Mulji gives practical tips on how to develop them. She strongly believes that sharing stories and humour binds families irrevocably, because it helps show children that a different perspective can, and will, solve our problems throughout our lives.
Although this book is easy to read and relate to, it would have been even more effective, if the author had used subheadings, lists of factors, and alternative parenting techniques. Also, it would be easier to read, the book if it was in a larger print.
As the author puts it, our children are ‘our projects’ – a lifelong relationship of mutual teaching, learning, and patient acceptance. So pay attention to whatever your children ask or tell you, share stories with them (your own, others’ experiences or through books), and laugh and squabble over chores and during car drives. Communication, verbal and non-verbal, is the key to remaining close throughout our lives, irrespective of the rough patches we encounter on this journey.
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