It is hard for parents to see their kids fight. The constant bickering, teasing, arguing and sometimes hitting weigh heavy on our hearts. Sibling conflict however is inevitable. And for the wise Muslim parent, it is an opportunity. As our children move on in life, they will meet different people, and sibling conflict is a child’s first class in relationship training. Think of your home as a classroom, yourself as the teacher, and your values as the curriculum. Allah (swt) has placed each and every one of us in our particular families for a reason. If your child has certain tendencies, such as anger and intolerance, maybe it is so that we are meant to learn and teach self-control and sensitivity to each other for the challenges that are to come later in life. Remember the story of Yusuf (as) and how his conflict with his siblings propelled him to the positions of honour he was granted in this world and the next, and because of the conflict between his children and his patience during his trial, the status that Yaqoob (as) will, Insha’Allah, be granted.
Keeping this vision in mind, plan different activities with your children to overcome the particular set of challenges in your household. Here are some ideas that you can use to help your children get along better and learn values of tolerance, sensitivity, anger control, patience and cooperation along the way.
Playing Cooperative Blocks/Jenga
Cooperative play is a great way to cement relationships between kids. Ask your children to draw a picture of a large tower or city and then tell them to build it with a bin of blocks. Sit back and watch as they plan and execute their ideas. They will have to use cooperation and problem-solving skills along the way. Alternatively, play a game of Jenga with the aim to take the tower as high as possible and helping each other to choose the right blocks to pull, rather than waiting for the other to make the tower fall. Count how high they went before the tower falls, and try to go higher the next time.
Rope Game
A rope game can get your kids working together for a common goal. Take a rope that is at least 10 to 15 feet long. Tie several knots in the rope and place it on the floor in a straight line. Have each child stand next to a knot. Ask the kids to untie the rope without taking both of their hands off the rope at any given time. Each sibling must learn how to communicate effectively, share common space with the others and work cooperatively to finish the task.
Jigsaw Puzzles
Give your children an age-appropriate puzzle and ask them to make it together. Sit back and watch, as they focus on a common goal, share space and discuss where the pieces go. They must work together to be able to complete the task. You can also solve a 500 or 1000 pieces puzzle as a family slowly over a month or more and see how the family comes together for a common goal.
The Confession Game
Get your kids on the floor in a circle and begin the confession game. It can be a different topic every time. One week, have each child “confess” that “I think the best thing about my sister is…” or “I wish one way that I can be more like my brother is…”. At the end of the session, make them say “I love you” to each other. They may resist or laugh or whine, but even if they are forced to say it, the words will stay with them, Insha’Allah. Make positive statements like these a part of your conflict resolution, whenever your children fight.
Swapping Shoes
Teach your children a valuable lesson by encouraging them to put themselves in each other’s shoes. If one child is interested in cricket, set up a family cricket game, so siblings can join in the fun. If another child is interested in art, have the family do art together and so on. Expressing interest in each other’s passions often opens the door for better understanding of each other. Sibling fighting can be minimized by letting each child excel in his own way; one can be the ‘teacher’ and the other the ‘learner’ for one activity, and then they can switch roles for another.
Sibling Trivia
A great way to resolve sibling rivalry is to play games that tackle communication barriers. Although a family game of Pictionary or charades will likely keep everyone entertained, creating your own family trivia game can help minimize misunderstandings, too. Have everyone in the family create questions about themselves, such as their favorite colour, food or even vacation destination. Enjoy your own version of a family Trivial Pursuit to test the siblings’ knowledge of each other and watch the fun unfold.
Cooking
Cooking can be a therapeutic group activity for the kids and can be modified according to the age of children. If your children are small, have them take turns reading each step of the instructions, encourage them to find, measure and mix the ingredients. If your kids are older, assign them the task to serve dinner. They will be responsible for choosing a leader, working as a team, deciding the menu, cooking it and serving it on time.
Team Projects
Let your kids be in charge of a project together to build teamwork. For instance, help them put up a stall at a Mela/ charity event, wash the car together, be in charge of Eid decorations, or plan a fun family outing. Let the children work together to do the planning, with you only peripherally involved to insure safety and maximum fun.
Children need to learn the tools of successful relationships. They need to learn to negotiate, compromise, and be creative in conflict. Your children have a lot to learn about life. These daily interactions within your family will be the opportunities for them to practice new skills, and eventually you will see them practice these values in their dealings with each other.
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