At a feminist discussion forum I attended, participants found it quite unsettling that the Quran establishes men as the Qawwam of their families. This is because the term is often misconstrued to imply domination, power, and control. Certainly, misunderstanding the role of the Qawwam as a ‘master’ takes us down a slippery slope into the patriarchal subjugation of women.
Conceptual terms in the Quran cannot be understood in isolation. Linguistic implications and usage, historical context and its understanding reflected in the Sunnah of the Prophet (sa) help to interpret the full meaning, literal and figurative, implied by the Great Author of the Quran. In the Prophet’s (sa) role within his own household, we find an illustration of Qawwam that connotes responsibility and support, rather than patriarchal control. The conjugal lives of the companions, both male and female, reflect the same understanding. What emerges clearly, therefore, is that Allah (swt) delegates the status of Qawwam to the man, in order to make him responsible for the maintenance and provision for the family. Responsibility in Islam entails accountability as well. Therefore, the Qawwam’s role is one of responsibility and accountability before Allah (swt). It is not a privilege but a duty. With this responsibility being accorded to the man, the woman is liberated from these duties and can thus focus on her primary role as nurturer and emotional support of the family.
While in theory I had known this for a long time, I understood it fully only through my own experience of marriage and motherhood. Motherhood is beautiful, but it saps every ounce of energy in you. It drains you physically, emotionally, and psychologically. It makes you metamorphose into a multitasker – a pacifier, teacher, referee, cook, cleaner, playmate, coach, therapist – all rolled into one. It takes its toll. The hours last well beyond those of a full time job, with no holidays ever. Therefore, it is immensely relieving and liberating that the woman of the house is not charged with any responsibilities in addition to the ones she has within the house.
I had always been a career woman. I was a bit of a workaholic and loved it. However, when the babies came, I sensed that I was losing the drive and the zeal I used to have at work. I longed to return home and was distracted at work. My children were also affected by my hours away from home. I remember the first day at work after my maternity leave ended – I was in tears and counted the minutes to the time I could go back to my newborn. I realized I was not unique. So many of my female colleagues with young children shared the same feelings. That is when I realized that women should not have to work as a duty. Certainly, there should be no bar to a woman choosing to work, but there should not be a compulsion or even an expectation from her to do so. I understood the wisdom behind male being the Qawwam of the family – women should not be driven by financial compulsions to fend for the family. They should be provided for and given maintenance, unless they choose to earn for themselves.
Feminists talk about the ‘triple burden’ faced by working women: the role of the homemaker, the primary caregiver of children and the breadwinner (whether primary or supporting) for the family. It is an unfair burden that leaves the woman feeling burnt out. It should not be so. To lift the triple burden off women, the Islamic family model with the male as the Qawwam needs to be reverted to. Men need to take up financial responsibility in its entirety. Women may choose out of their own goodwill to complement it with their earning, but the burden and responsibility must always be with the Qawwam, not the woman.
All said, there is another very important implication of the Qawwam – a popular myth that must be busted through the Sunnah model of the family. The man being the exclusive Qawwam does not imply a rigid differentiation and an airtight distinction in gender roles. This too is illustrated best through the prophetic example. While being a state leader, community builder, military strategist and so much more, he chose to conduct his household tasks by himself and helped share the burden of domestic chores. In the earlier phase of his life with Khadijah (rtaf), it was his wife who shared the financial responsibilities out of her own free will.
Hence, from the Quran and Seerah of the Prophet (sa) we learn that while responsibilities have been clearly laid out for men as Qawwam and for women as homemakers and primary nurturers of the Ummah, gender roles are not laid down in exclusivity. Conjugal roles are shared, often overlapping for the well-being of the family. There is a great deal of fluidity in conjugal roles in Islam, even though responsibilities for both men and women have been defined. It is this fluidity and flexibility that gives Muslim men and women the freedom to designate tasks according to what works best for their particular situations. The overriding concern for both has to be the contentment, comfort and safety of the family unit as a whole – they have to keep in mind that they are accountable to Allah (swt) for their individual actions and decision making, as they fulfill their marital and family obligations.
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