By
Umm Amal – Freelance Writer
- You were destined to marry each other
Imam Ash Shabi once lovingly said to his wife: “Imagine before Allah established the heavens and the earth you and I were destined to be husband and wife as per the Book of Destiny (Lauh e Mahfooz). Allah’s (swt) very first creation was the pen. Next He commanded the pen to write the destiny of everything Allah (swt) was to create. This included who you will marry and how will it come to be. This very knowledge should prevent us from blaming self and others.
A believer should understand that the marriage that came into being was part of Allah’s (swt) grand plan. And just like every experience that Allah (swt) makes us go through, the essence of it all at the end is to pass a trial in Dunya to reach Jannah in Aakhirah and to reform oneself, to draw closer to Allah (swt) and emerge a stronger Muslim.
Ask yourself if your marriage provides you with this opportunity?
- Marriage is a spiritual act rather than a worldly one
Marriage is not about a fairytale wedding as portrayed in the media and some cultures. Neither it is a means to celebrate yourself or fulfill all your life wishes. Your spouse is not supposed to complete you or be a source of constant happiness. So wake up and smell the coffee.
On the contrary marriage is a means of worship for the believers, where two imperfect strangers come together to build a relationship based on Taqwa (Allah consciousness).
When they argue, break into a fight or feel disappointed and distressed because of each other, they run to Allah (swt) to heal themselves, ponder upon what can be done better in future and renew their resolve and Iman to go ahead with life. Allah (swt) rewards them immensely for all.
- Marriage sows the seeds of love that have not blossomed yet
Have you ever seen a seed or a sapling laden with fruit? You never will. That is exactly how marriages work. Spouses expect to cherish the fruit of their union from the very first day. But that fruit has not grown yet. It first requires both spouses to tend to the seed with care, love and patience. Also note that this care is unique in its ways too depending upon the strength and ability of each spouse that he/she brings to the relationship. It is not identical in nature.
One spouse may be great at communication while the other may be excellent at budgeting. The wife might be a better organizer while the husband could be more hospitable. They both should fit with each other like a puzzle, complimenting one another rather. They must not expect each other to behave and think exactly alike and try to change each other to their own customized demands. That’s impossible because Allah (swt) has created humans distinctly. Every person responds differently to one given situation.
- One spouse always loves, sacrifices and cares more than the other
Psychologists, marital experts and therapists are convinced now that it is true that one spouse is more passionate and loving than the other. If you happen to be that one, you need to fix your own expectations. Rather than becoming obsessed with your spouse find other areas of life that you can contribute to such as your elderly parents, sick relatives, other social causes, etc. Similarly do not do stuff that upsets you when it is not reciprocated by your spouse. Stay within balance and do not overdo your love and care. Instead just ask your spouse what he/she prefers and stay within those boundaries so that you do not feel over spent and sad when the other spouse is unable to meet your high expectations. Most importantly Allah Ash Shaheed is the witness of your sincere initiatives, let Him reward you. Ask Him for contentment of the heart.
- Marriage requires you to be calm, collective and analytical
With the rise in self-love and decline in gratitude and patience, globally, we find such spouses who are ready to part ways or divorce each other for the most fickle reasons. Abuse or infidelity are valid reasons to break a marriage. However difference of opinions, habits, cultures, thinking are some areas that can be worked upon with communication and mentorship.
Before choosing to annul your marriage think wisely about the life you will have as a single person with responsibilities. Will it be any easier or will it be worse? The crutches you are currently relying upon to help you live after divorce, how long will they be available? Be it your parents, friends, job, money, etc. Marriage requires maturity, stability and patience. It is not the ball game of someone who is volatile, self-serving and throws temper tantrums every now and then.
When Allah (swt) states: “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Ar Rum 30:21)
There are two very significant portions of the above Ayah. Firstly Allah (swt) has mentioned twice that marriage is a sign from Allah (swt). It is a sign that can lead you to Sirat e Mustaqueem. The road that takes you directly to Allah (swt) with His divine guidance and help. You just need to trust and obey Him. Especially be mindful and reflective of lessons in it for yourself.
Secondly the main purpose of marriages in Islam was to attain peace of mind and heart. That is what needs to be ensured and worked upon by both spouses in their own capacity which will also be unique and different.
Do not use your marriage as some celebrity event that needs to be posted online for approval. Neither is your spouse some prized trophy to make you feel happy and accomplished 24/7. Acceptance of imperfections of the relationship just like any other, will keep you relieved bi izn Alalh. Embrace the imperfection with grace!
Partially, adapted from a talk by Aisha Aamir, Karachi.
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