The Messenger of Allah (sa) said: “Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of the people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them. The servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it. No doubt, every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.” (Bukhari)
As parents, our children are an integral part of our flock that we will be questioned about. The Prophet (sa) told us that children are born on the Fitrah, meaning that they are pure and inclined to good – thus, their environment is a major part of what moulds them. This includes not only our characteristics as parents but also the way we parent our children and what or who we allow to be part of their environment.
Traditionally, parenting used to be thought of as an acquired skill, once one entered parenthood. However, due to modern developments and rapid globalization, Muslim parents today face challenges that were not common in our communities even in the previous generation. Therefore, parents have to be educated in the art of parenting and, most importantly, aligning it to the values of our Deen. From religious, moral and ethical dilemmas to emotional and mental issues, parents are struggling to catch up. Since the West has also seen a rising number of problems in children, research in parenting is increasing worldwide.
Based on the work of Diane Baumrind, experts generally classify parenting into four basic styles:
- Authoritarian – the dictator style of parenting, where parents make the rules and expect kids to follow. Failure to do so results in punishments (the ‘my-way-or-the-highway’ parenting).
- Authoritative – in which parents maintain their authority, while also showing respect to the child as an individual.
- Permissive – where parents are responsive to the child to the point of letting the child make the rules, as they attempt to become their child’s friend.
- Neglectful – an extreme form of completely uninvolved parenting.
The Four Parenting Styles on the Demand vs Responsiveness Scale
Authoritative or positive parenting is practiced by the parents who have high (age appropriate) expectations from their children, but they are also very responsive to their child’s needs and equip them with tools to meet these expectations. According to current research, authoritative parenting is the best kind of parenting, as it tends to produce children who are not only well behaved and assertive, but are also happier and more content as they grow up. They also tend to be more independent, have good social skills, and better mental and emotional health.
Some ways authoritative parents achieve this is by:
- Listening to and reasoning with their children, instead of asking for complete and blind submission;
- Being attuned to their child’s age appropriate emotional and mental needs and being warm and nurturing as a result of this;
- Having a clear set of rules or limits that they consistently enforce;
- Using positive discipline instead of punishments.
Dr. Jane Nelsen came up with the positive discipline model, where parents show respect for the children, identify the cause of the behaviour, and seek to rectify it, rather than focus on a band-aid solution. It is based on being kind but firm and helps foster a sense of belonging in the child, while equipping him with valuable life skills. Positive discipline is effective long term, as opposed to punishments that might work in the short term but have negative long-term consequences.
If we think deeply, we can see the values of Islam reflected in this type of parenting. As Muslim parents, we set limits for our children and give them responsibilities that are age appropriate. We guide them and model for them the values that we want them to adopt. As our children grow up, we slowly build in the basics of Iman and Aqeedah, preparing them for the time when they would become accountable for their actions. We cannot expect them to be ready to offer Salah perfectly or fast the month of Ramadan one fine day, without laying the groundwork by teaching them about Allah (swt), slowly building up on the articles of faith and helping them connect with the Quran. Similarly, this applies to mundane daily acts and other life skills as well. We cannot expect our teens to be organized and responsible, if they have never been given chores while growing up, or to be punctual if we have not taught them time management skills.
Positive parenting takes more time, thought and care, since it is proactive rather than reactive, but it helps in the long term. As Muslims, we should have a vision for our children and slowly help them reach their maximum potential. We cannot expect a building that can withstand strong forces and pressures, unless we have put in the time and effort to build a resilient foundation, using the best materials. Our children are an Amanah – we not only should take this responsibility seriously, but also put in as much effort and preparation into being parents, as we would for any other worldly exam.
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