Parenting is a role of leadership. Every human being has the capacity to become a leader; however, whether he wants to or not is his choice. Likewise, parenting requires training for every stage. It requires for parents to learn from their own parents or their friends who have become parents already, from books and workshops, or experts in the field. All this consumption of knowledge is required for real time application.
Some aspects of parenting may come naturally to people, while others must be acquired. Emotionally, mothers may willingly forsake their good night’s sleep to breastfeed a baby or tend to a sick child. Fathers earn to provide for the education, basic needs, and other demands of their children. When parents sense danger, they immediately rise to protect and defend their offspring. Allah (swt) has ingrained this mercy in the parents as Fitrah.
However, when it comes to spiritual and intellectual nurturing, parents are advised to deeply study the Quran and Sunnah model. They can also explore the works of modern-day experts, who have condensed, for our benefit, their experience of multiple years of research in the field. Surprisingly, we find many of them speak the same language as Islam does. It almost seems as if they are relating to guidelines from our divine scripture.
One word of caution: those who are not mentally ready, emotionally steady, and spiritually able to sacrifice must not rush into parenthood if they have the choice. Parenting is a serious business, as Simon Sinek states: “You are not just in charge, but you are taking care of those given in your charge.”
Parenting is really about becoming an infinite student. You are learning every day for your own growth and inspiring your kids to grow along. If you imagine two individuals learning together – you and your child – can mistakes be made? Yes. Can courses be changed? Yes. Should these errors be undone? Right away – without any guilt and without any blame!
Conversations play a very significant part in parenting. Simon Sinek’s book titled “Leaders Speak Last” can facilitate you as a parent. My authored book titled “Discover Your Child” offers 100 different questions that parents can ask their children. This book is meant for those parents who are not yet adept at talking naturally. The tool serves as a communication builder, helping families bond in the simplest way.
Through twenty years of my parenthood, some experience in teaching and training, and observation of others, I have noted a few parenting mistakes, which must leave our culture. They are not Islam. The list includes: disrespecting, ridiculing, insulting, accusing, mistrusting, controlling, comparing, over-expecting, disbelieving, rejecting, threatening, hitting, and scaring children of any age or gender.
A whole generation has been raised using these highly inappropriate methodologies. This has resulted in individuals, who are highly unempathetic, greedy by nature, selfish in their choices, disrespectful of others, unaccountable for their own misdeeds, and unethical in behaviour. They carry low self-esteem and seek materialistic solutions.
As parents, we need to feel inspired every morning and fulfilled before we hit the bed. This will, by the way, also include failures in communication, bad decisions, horrifying performances, and disappointments – both at your end as well as your child’s. But that is okay.
We need to stop seeking perfection and, instead, look for excellence. What is the difference? When we seek perfectionism in self or others, our expectations are unreal. It is like we do not possess an ability or training, yet we expect results. Excellence is when we train and coach others to the next level, improve our already existing abilities, and polish them further.
Lastly, as a Muslim, tread on the middle path, find your balance in life, and teach it to your kids, too. Family leadership must generate spiritual growth, emotional wellbeing, and intellectual development.
Rana Rais Khan
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