By Umm Amal (Freelance writer) and Mariam Anwaar (Psychologist)
Before marriage, all of us dream of a loving relationship with our spouse and in-laws. However, just as every house is different in structure, dimensions, and unique decor, there is no one-size-fits-all formula for a balanced marital relationship. Each individual has a unique personality, and each family has its own particular dynamic and idiosyncrasies. A home is a safe space, built on trust, mutual respect, and affection achieved through an emotionally stable family.
So how do we achieve an emotionally well-balanced marital life? The following guidelines may prove useful in establishing a realistic relationship that would grow into an emotionally stable family. Note that every recommendation applies to both the spouses and their in-laws.
- Change is a Fact
For many contemporary young adults, it is difficult to foresee how marriage will impact their lifestyle. Few of us are counselled by the elders in our family on adjustment into a new family. Hence, for men, the freedom of bachelorhood is curtailed and new financial responsibilities come into picture, while for women, the daunting burden of household duties and expectations is a hard awakening. Often, both have a hard time acknowledging the new set of roles and responsibilities, if this change has come suddenly, without any prior preparations.
Similarly, parents-in-law frequently believe that despite the addition of a new member, the family dynamics will remain unchanged. When such expectations are not fulfilled, parents may start bemoaning that their child has forgotten them after marriage. Sometimes, such feelings of disappointment are expressed in the form of emotional blackmailing and coercions.
Imagine this from another angle. Adding yellow paint to blue exhibits an entirely new exciting change – the colour green. Like paints, change in marital status can be considered exciting rather than dreadful, if both parties open themselves to new possibilities and adventures that an added family member may bring with them. This experience is similar to being academically or professionally promoted, as both life altering events bring new challenges and responsibilities.
- Observe to Learn and Adjust
Observation is defined as an act of noticing. What needs to be noticed? You have to observe the habits, temperaments, communication styles, and even triggers of your new spouse and in-laws. Their interpersonal relations, routine, ethics, and values need to be studied. This observation and subsequent adjustment period should last at least six months. Your observation will help you understand the motivations that influence the family dynamics and you will be able to predict reactions. This will allow you to modify your perception and improve your interpersonal skills to be able to achieve mutual respect and trust. The key, however, is to have the right intention during this journey of observations. It is to grow in love, peace, and understanding as a family.
- Detoxify Yourself
Unfortunately, we sometimes enter marriage with a negative bias due to mass media, personal horror tales, and some negative cultural perceptions. These seeds of mistrust are pre-determined notions that colour the lens of our observation. As a result, if any conflict arises (which is a natural occurrence, as occasional conflicts are a part of family life), the pre-determined notions turn into validated suspicions and are voiced in the form of statements such as: “See, I told you this would happen!”
In order to guard against such ill-feelings and perceptions, we must alter our own attitude and purify our own intentions. There are a total of four types of intentions:
- Win-Win: for the benefit of self and others
- Win-Lose: for the benefit of self only (self-centered behaviours)
- Lose-Win: the self loses, and others win (people-pleasing behaviours)
- Lose-Lose: the self and others lose (like saying “if I am going down, you are going down with me”)
In a healthy relationship, a win-win approach sets the foundation for a congenial family environment. However, we can only ensure the purity of our own intentions. Trials and tribulations have been decreed for each of us, often through our closest relatives. Rely on Al-Qadir, The One Who has the power to remove our pain and trust in His wisdom to test us, so that we can become better versions of ourselves.
- Set Boundaries
Imagine a hula-hoop ring around you. Try to give it a colour of your choice (I would choose a pink hula hoop). This ‘hoop’ is what we call our boundary or personal space where “I begin, and others end” and/ or “others begin, and I end”. Within the hoop, the self can move around freely, and when it needs, it can choose to let other people in. This action is mistakenly coined as selfishness, but in reality, the boundary protects us and others, because it allows us privacy and protects us from intrusive harm, thereby allowing us to choose to help others.
Let us take an example. A daughter-in-law offers to take care of cooking dinner but she may want the domestic staff to help with breakfast. Similarly, a husband can request his wife to look after his parents while he is at work, but take care of them himself when he is at home. Boundaries complement each member of the family like puzzle pieces, where the shape of the puzzle is not compromised, yet it fits with several other pieces of the puzzle as a whole.
Establishing boundaries can be delicate, but this needs to be addressed through communication, which is an art to be learnt. The right words with the right body language can help maintain respect and express concerns in a grounded and assertive way. If boundaries are being violated, they may need to be reinforced multiple times.
- Be Optimistic
Newly-weds may often experience disappointment from the spouse or the in-laws, because of expectations which have not been communicated. We assume that they will behave like our own family and friends. We tend to forget that they have a unique personality and experiences of their own. Their behaviour might be unfamiliar to us and contrary to our expectations, but that does not mean it is not praiseworthy or acceptable. Be optimistic and look for the Khair (the good) in each action and habit. Optimism encourages positivity, diminishes egocentricity, and makes us more accommodating and empathetic.
- Try to Provide Ease
The rigid approach of ‘my way or the highway’ is deadly for any relationship. As mentioned, boundaries level out power play and people share similar platforms, while keeping themselves integrated and willingly sharing a part of themselves. There are many ways we can ease other people’s burdens at little cost to ourselves and our resources. For instance, just listening to someone as moral support, even though we may be tired ourselves. Of course, if necessary, you may excuse yourself in a polite manner. Maintain an open, tolerant, and flexible attitude to enable a comfortable acceptance of each other for cordial relations.
- Be Informed
Wedding is one of the most memorable events in a person’s life, as it gives us the opportunity to become ‘celebrities’. Such events are superbly executed with elegant decors, professional photographers, and stunning outfits. There is nothing wrong in beautifying the beginning of a sacred union; however, the main focus should be on laying the foundations for a strong marital relation. The commencement of the marriage is often momentous, but later on, the couple suffers post wedding blues.
This occurs because the couple and the family did not invest enough time in understanding the essence and foundation of marriage. They may have barely read the Nikah documents and/or the Muslim Family Laws Ordinance 1961 (VIII of 1961). It is equally important to be informed about the legal aspects of marriage, duties, responsibilities, and expectations. This is the antidote to uncertainty and disappointment, which also aids adjustment into the new environment.
- Seek Divine Counsel and make Dua
Like life, marriage does not follow a predictable, smooth trajectory. We all experience a wide spectrum of emotions and trials in our relationships. Most of us can relate to being alone in a marriage mayhem, but very few relate to the moments of loneliness, even when we are surrounded by loved ones. The only anchor in all situations, whether peace or turmoil, is mindfulness of Allah (swt) and His powers.
Thus, if a family member is looking for advice, begin with seeking divine counsel (Istikhara). It can open doors to possibilities never imagined, both pleasing and difficult, yet worth exploring for the sake of strengthening relationships. In all situations, however, be conscious of Allah (swt), because marital relations and the family structure make up the foundation of Muslim society. If we cause any crack in its foundations due to our ignorance, neglect, or selfishness, we will be answerable to Allah (swt).
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