As children, we have heard our parents quote maxims to justify the rules and principles that they lay for defining the values and boundaries we were supposed to observe while growing up. Considering the extensive and often radical socio-political and technological changes that the world has undergone in the past fifty years, do these adages still apply to modern day parenting?
‘It takes a village to raise a child’
Previously, children were considered a collective responsibility. People lived in close-knit communities, and often with the extended family, especially in Muslim societies. Oral traditions, wisdom based on personal experiences, and insights based on past mistakes were shared with the young for guiding and mentoring them. Families communicated among themselves, and a large part of childhood was spent within the family or neighborhood environs without outside influences. As such, the community acted almost as an external conscience.
Now, the world is a ‘global village’ but only in the sense of information and goods exchange. The personal interaction is missing from children’s life and they are bombarded with multi-sensorial and multi-cultural exchanges that often confuse their identity, sense of purpose in life, and roots and values. The nuclear family values its privacy and often resents intrusion into their busy lifestyle. The wealth of wisdom based on experiences has now become an under-utilized resource, and oral traditions suffer extinction, because the youth has not been trained to listen and absorb through personal interactions. The extended family and close-knit community have been replaced by screens and virtual perceptions.
What effect does this have on parents? Parents now suffer immense stress to guide and mentor their children alone. Family crisis, developmental thresholds, and academic and professional milestones have to be anticipated and prepared for with little moral or physical support. It is an exhausting and often thankless job.
What should we do?
- As parents, we must develop a strong sense of community around our families. Double the effort to remain connected and in communication with the extended family. Encourage your children to spend time with the extended family – with their peer-aged cousins. Share your childhood stories, struggles, and dreams and encourage them to express their views and ideas.
- The screens in your house are not substitutes for face-to-face interaction. Limit screen time. Monitor closely what your children are watching and randomly check their social media chats. These guidelines should be clearly explained, when they are given devices.
‘Grandparents sprinkle stardust on the lives of their grandchildren’
The evolution of society has resulted in small, confined nuclear families. Grandparents actually feel intimidated by their tech-savvy grandchildren, and infrequent interactions do not encourage bonding. Grandparents can be a precious source of patient and humourous mentoring. Rarely do we now find grandparents exchanging stories or teaching skills to their grandchildren, because our family structures and lifestyles allow for neither leisurely chats nor story sessions, nor for activities that do not add value to our child’s resume.
What effect does this have on parents? We, as parents, also lose out on the elderly generation’s insight and understanding of the ‘circle of life’, while we struggle to deal with the heartaches our children subject us to, as they grow up. Also, the skills, which were once taught by extended family members, now have to be financed and outsourced by the already busy parents.
What should we do?
- The bane of scattered families makes physical access difficult. However, there are elderly people in every community, who will have skills and values that you would want your child to imbibe. Reach out to them – it might be a mutually pleasurable experience!
- Make the effort to visit your children’s grandparents as frequently as possible and encourage them to spend time in sharing and reminiscing with the entire family. Children absorb manners, courtesies and values by observing your interaction with them. Also, they learn patience and empathy through interaction with the elderly.
‘Like father, like son’
‘An apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree’
You may apply myriad parenting models, but all of them agree that till the age of 13-14, children are soaking in experiences and simply mimicking your behaviour and habits. These then often become part of their personality, to the extent that children repeat phrases and mirror non-verbal gestures of their parents. In fact, family members often share the same idiosyncrasies and sense of humour. Till recently, young children had limited interaction with the world outside their families and neighbourhoods. Now, with the ease of travel and the internet, they are exposed to many other influences. However, this adage still applies.
What effect does this have on parents, especially fathers? Children observe and ‘soak in’ the relationship dynamics of parents. Since an increasing number of households now have working parents, we tend to overlook the importance of setting a healthy, balanced routine and spending adequate quality time with our children. Unfortunately, fathers often feel their responsibility is limited to adequately providing for their families. They forget that as Qawaam they have a wider range of responsibility that does not end when they return home from their workplace. They are accountable to Allah (swt) for the spiritual and emotional growth and well-being of their wives and children. Given the plethora of influencers, celebrities, and the misleading world children encounter in their virtual ‘bubble’, fathers need to be proactive, set the routine of the household, and adopt habits that help nurture the children and inoculate them against the negativity around them.
What should we do?
- Remember, you, as parents, are the child’s first teachers and mentors. You are also their first heroes. Make sure that you set a routine, which revolves around prayer timings and includes slots for informal chatting and sharing as a family. Likewise, ensure more structured, though short, Tarbiyah sessions based on the Quran and the Sunnah. If you have boys, make sure you take them with you to the Masjid – gently teach them the etiquette of the Masjid and social interaction with community members. As someone said, a family that prays together, stays together.
- Children absorb how you deal with your family and friends and how you react to stressful situations. They quickly assess your level of self-control in the face of temptations, even something as common as your response to a mouth-watering ad of a bucketful of fried chicken. They follow your gaze and are perceptive enough to realize where it lingers. They learn to eventually enjoy and regurgitate what you listen to, whether its music, political talk shows or Islamic lectures. So be careful of what habits you adopt and tastes you cultivate. Your children will eventually learn to read for pleasure or play sports, if they see you spending your leisure time in such healthy activities. Likewise, if you resist impulse-buying and discuss pros and cons before expending on any item or vacation, they will also learn to calmly weigh situations, before decision making, and to avoid instant gratification.
- Since screens and social media threaten to overtake face-to-face interaction, be a role model for your children in responsible use of digital devices. Be careful of what they see you subscribing to or enjoying online, emphasize that what they communicate online can have a ‘butterfly effect’. (Butterfly effect is essentially when minor changes in initial conditions lead to major and unpredictable changes in the future.) Limit your gadgets’ usage for giving full attention to your family. Setting Wi-Fi-free time zones in your house would also be a good idea. For instance, turn off the Wi-Fi during mealtimes or after 10 pm, so that no one is tempted to scroll their screens mindlessly in bed.
‘You are what you eat’
What does nutrition have to do with parenting challenges today? This particular adage has proven itself applicable, especially in the current processed and fast-food obsession. Not only are we compromising on the nutritional value of the food we give to our children, but we also aid and abet them in mindless munching. For instance, what nutritional value do candies, biscuits, sodas, or even packaged juices have?
There was a time when fruits and vegetables could only be enjoyed when in season and were thus appreciated more. Cravings for sweets were satisfied using sugarcane and its byproducts, rather than refined sugar. Snacks made at home and served during mealtimes were at prescribed hours. The insidious takeover by the advertising industry in print, on television and the social media resulted in bombardment with food ads round the clock. Online deliveries provide further opportunities for instant gratification and binge eating. Greed is encouraged.
What effect does this have on parents? Parents face not only the persistent nagging and expenses generated by these ads, but also such tragedies as childhood obesity and its related diseases: juvenile diabetes and hormone disorders. Additionally, the food colour and preservatives cause hypersensitivity and mental disorders. Finally, parents struggle against children’s loss of appetite at mealtimes, which results in inadequate growth and development. Of course, this habit of snacking and relying on pre-processed meals result in strained mealtimes. Likewise, we lose the opportunities to learn and bond over life skills, such as cooking and managing household budgets.
What should parents do? Unfortunately, food ads entice us on our screens, through special offer pamphlets and humongous billboards.
- This is another aspect that is best controlled through implementing routines and house rules. As soon as you wean the child, set specific times for meals and introduce healthy and regulated snacking. Set aside a day of the week for eating out or ordering food.
- You, as parents, are responsible for grocery shopping. Restrict impulse buying by shopping after you have had a full meal and take along a list, so that you are not tempted to dawdle and gawk at the store, until you give in to temptation. Shop on full stomachs – you are then less likely to over-indulge.
- Be a conscious consumer. Research ingredients and avoid GM foods, foods with preservatives, artificial colours, refined sugar and its sister products, such as corn syrup. Remember, we are told to eat that which is Halal and ‘Tayyab’ (pure and beneficial).
- Both parents should be involved in the cooking and serving process. This teaches essential survival skills and the etiquette of eating and hosting. It also helps to bond as a family, because mealtimes can be a source of sharing your lives and relaxing with the family.
- Encourage planting a kitchen garden and using your own produce.
‘Children should be seen and not heard’
We have learnt the hard way that the ability to listen attentively and express ourselves clearly and calmly is vital for our social competence. Unfortunately, social media interaction compromises both our perception of reality and our ability to communicate in face-to-face situations, because we no longer practice observing and responding to non-verbal cues. Even though information is being exchanged at a rapid rate, much of it is nonproductive or even counterproductive. We need to pry away our children (and ourselves) from screens and converse.
What effect does this have on parents? As parents, we need to make an effort to listen to our children with the goal of understanding their context and perception of reality. We need to be empathetic and patient, so that they learn to express themselves. Over time, they will perfect their communication skills and will become coherent and clear. At the same time, we need to be able to explain ourselves with the intention of finding solutions, inspiring and motivating our children.
What should parents do?
- Turn off your devices and physically turn to face your child, whenever he or she addresses you. This will enable you to observe your child’s nonverbal gestures and monitor any changes in gestures or behaviour. This will also reassure your child that you value and respect his views and are concerned about his or her problems. Remember, if your child feels neglected, he is likely to seek it elsewhere, especially on social media.
- Involve children in decision making and allow them choices in their daily routines since early childhood. This way, they will develop a sense of ownership over their lives and a sense of responsibility, along with understanding the consequences of their choices.
- Encourage your children to share their feelings, even if they just want to vent their anger or frustration. This will develop a sense of trust and a feeling that you are their ‘safe space’.
- Use humour and play to brighten your home’s atmosphere and positively provide feedback on issues your children face. Remember, none of the Prophet’s (sa) wives feared him and neither did the children of the Muslim community. He would playfully teach them kindness and concern for others and even give them Duas. For instance, he would splash water on Zaynab bint Maimoonah’s (rtaf) face, while making Wudu, and pray for her. As a result, she remained youthful looking throughout her life.
‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’
Disciplining was once equated with punishment. However, the two do not have the same consequences. Discipline is an on-going teaching process that should involve rules, boundaries, and positive reinforcement for accountability. Often, because we, as parents, have suffered harshness or even abuse in our childhood, we overcompensate this on our children by ignoring or covering up their misbehaviour.
What effect does this have on parents? Balancing discipline and free will is difficult. You want your child to be independent, curious, and expressive but you need to control and channelize disruptive behaviour or habits. Screaming and hitting are negative reinforcements that damage child’s self-esteem and confidence, even though it is hard to resist the impulse to vent your frustration.
What should we do?
- Use encouragement to motivate your child. Do not overcompensate by lavish praising, as this only creates an illusion of perfection in the child – he will be less likely to achieve his potential.
- Control your urge to pull your hair, badmouth, or hit your child. Remember, your lack of self-control reinforces their loss of control in potentially explosive situations.
- Set rules, explain and embody values, and model exemplary behaviour. For instance, if you want them to ignore trifling annoyances and control their temper, show them how to do it, when they push your buttons – count to ten audibly, wash your face to cool down or drink water to calm yourself.
- Admit your own faults and let them see you make an effort to change your habits.
- Use humour instead of anger.
Parenting is a journey, in which both parents are partners. They should subscribe to the same parenting philosophy and aim to make their children productive, empathetic, and resourceful Muslims. Audit and check your own self and your lifestyle choices to improve your own and your children’s worldly life and Akhirah.
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