Allah’s (swt) expectations
“And I (Allah) created not the Jinn and humankind except that they should worship Me (Alone).” (Adh-Dhariyat 51:56)
Allah (swt) owns His creation – we are His slaves. Out of His love and fear of His anger, we attempt to please Him by obeying Him in every sphere of life. This unconditional and committed obedience is what Allah (swt) demands of us.
Do children have expectations too?
A child draws a picture and brings it to his mother. As he places it in her lap, he looks up with expectant eyes. His mother responds enthusiastically: “Wow! That’s great! You are a Picasso in the making. Daddy will be so proud of you.” The child receives a generous hug from his mother. As the kid walks off, he tosses the picture away. Why?
It might come as a surprise to many adults that children have high expectations of themselves. They tend to ponder over their performance. How well have they done? What could have they done differently? Whom have they disappointed or pleased? Is the feedback being offered to them fair?
When a child asks for your opinion regarding his work, it is best to refrain from commenting or reviewing instantly. Ask the child: “What do you think about your work?” To your surprise, he might say that he doesn’t like it. He might just tell you exactly what improvement he wants to make!
Parents feel that every work of their child deserves extraordinary praise to propel the child forward. It works reversely. If the assessment is incorrect, the child may feel disappointed. The child begins to mistrust his adults and may also abort all efforts to work beyond. It is important for the child to meet his own expectations and love his work. The idea is not to fetch praise from people around him. This will train him to trust himself, appreciate his own ideas and not be dependent on external rewards as a motivation to perform.
Very similar is the case when a child underperforms. He fears the consequences of the adults in charge. It is alright for parents to hear their child out silently, when he offers his explanation. That is not the moment for a correctional sermon.
In the above case, the mother is not an artist. Her overrated praise seems unreal to the child, who may have wished to improve his artwork further. He lost interest in it, when his mother gave him a reason that it was not needed.
What’s the difference between high expectations and positive expectations?
High Expectations
- Because the parent values himself
- Perfection and accuracy of performance demanded
- Child feels pressured
- Not every child can meet them
- Causes sense of failure and frustration
- Weakens parent-child connection
Positive Expectations
- Because the parent values the child
- Effort and attempts are recognized
- Child feels comfortable
- Every child can meet them
- Causes sense of achievement, involvement and progress
- Improves parent-child connection
A letter of a 13-year-old girl written to hibakidz
“Have you ever wondered how your parents were back in their days? Well, a few days ago, my curiosity got the better of me, and I decided to do a little research. This is what I found according to my grandparents.
My mother was the ‘perfect’ daughter every parent fantasizes about, whereas my father was a daredevil. He was wild, unruly and naughty – every parent’s nightmare. He had done everything from falling off a tree, fracturing his leg and arm to skipping school and pranking his teachers.
But parents these days expect so much from children and pressurize them that the child ultimately defies them, afraid of disappointing them. Speaking from experience, that look of disappointment breaks their heart, which is why teenagers rebel. Parents are too demanding and strict. Their harsh rules and high standards scare the child, making them feel like everything they do is a mistake. Parents find flaws in everything their children do.A perfect world with perfect parents and perfect kids is nothing but a mirage – everyone makes mistakes, as we all are humans. Being perfect is overrated, but being better and trying your best is what counts.
Remember that whatever our parents do is with their best intention for us. They might not be perfect but surely are the most precious gift we will ever have, and nothing can replace them.”
A parent’s just expectation
Does that mean parents should not have expectations? Not at all. Following are the arenas where they must support the child in meeting their expectations:
- Spiritual. This relates to your child’s connection with Allah (swt). If you have a family tradition of boys frequenting the Masjid, daily reading a page of the Quran, and offering Sadaqah out of their pocket money, enforce it.
- Behavioural. This pertains to a child’s social behavior: the kind of language he uses; the family norms he follows; his attitude towards his elders and youngsters; his behaviour with servants and guests.
- Academic. Depending upon our child’s abilities, we can set realistic expectations. If a kid is smart in math, we can expect him to score high. However, if the same child fumbles in science, it is not very wise to expect an A from him.
Before we expect, shouldn’t we prepare?
- Agree upon practical expectations.
- Prepare ourselves to train the child.
- Communicate the expectations to the child and agree on consequences.
- Offer resources.
- Empower the child.
- Assure him that you are there when needed.
- Decide upon a regular evaluation time, when the child evaluates his own performance.
- Let the child own the result and face the consequences free of parent’s anger.
A five-step principle for the child
- The correct and committed intention by the child.
- Effort to deliver his best.
- Prayer for excellent results.
- Ownership of result.
- Decision about the future course of action.
Transcription of a parenting workshop delivered at L2L Academy, Karachi.
About author
