Sarah could not imagine living without her better half – her husband Ayaz. However, the very next day a heated argument with him made her angry enough to consider separation or even divorce.
Hasan was usually loving and patient with his wife Alyah, but over time he had become demanding and dissatisfied.
Why do feelings of love suddenly transform into hostility? These sudden shifts in perception and emotions are confusing but common between married couples. If we are unable to explain the reasons behind them, we may wrongly presume that our love for our husband or wife is dying.
Remember that love brings up our unresolved feelings. One day we feel loved, and the next day we are suddenly afraid to trust love. Such painful memories of rejection surface in order to be healed and released.
The problem is that repressed feelings must be recognised and acknowledged as such. If you felt abandoned in your childhood by your parents, it may be possible that you unknowingly begin to fear abandonment by your partner. The pain of the past is projected onto the present. Things that would normally not be a big deal hurt a lot.
Our past feelings suddenly surface not just when we fall in love, but also when we feel happy or loving. At such times, couples fight inexplicably when they should actually be rejoicing, such as when they move into a new house, or celebrate Eid or the birth of a baby.
The 90/10 Principle
“You are never upset for the reason you think.” (John Gray)
When we turn sour with our partner, ninety percent of the times it is due to a past unresolved issue and only ten percent of the upset is caused by the current experience. If both married couples understand this psychology, one partner will not accuse the other for over-reacting.
What Should the Couple Do?
It is like someone poking an open wound. The partner reacting should be left alone and given space to cool down. Talking is often not a good idea, as your raging emotions mess up your mind, and you may end up saying things you would not say otherwise.
For venting the anger, the reactive spouse can first write down his or her feelings. In this process, often the angry spouse is able to figure out the root cause of his or her suffering, which is generally connected to the past. When calmed down, these reasons should be shared with the spouse, so the spouse may feel less blamed.
How do men and women heal? When a man’s past comes up, he generally heads to his cave. He is overly sensitive at such times and needs a lot of acceptance. When a woman’s past bothers her, her self-esteem crashes. She descends into a well of her feelings. She needs tender and loving care.
The Crisis of Delayed Expectations
This is a term derived from sociology. During the 1960s in the USA, minorities were given more rights than ever before. This should have made them thankful, relieved, and content. Just the opposite happened. There was an explosion of anger, rioting, and violence. All the pent-up racial feelings were released. At the societal level, civil war is a common outcome, when people gain freedom from abusive government leaders.
This pattern also occurs in our personal lives and relationships. Sometimes, when after multiple years of neglect one partner in marriage begins to make amends, the other one wants to annul the marriage, as if to avenge twenty years of suffering in a loveless marriage.
What Should the Couple Do?
When such deep feelings come up, it is best to consult a therapist or a counsellor. You will not project your feelings on him or her and get a chance to heal from the past.
Spiritually, it is the ideal time to listen to and recite the Quran (Surah Al-Baqarah is very helpful). Make frequent Duas to Allah (swt) for guidance, pray sincerely and offer Sadaqah. Seek the company of those who are spiritually mature. Do some service-oriented work to build up your self-esteem. Be mindful of Allah’s (swt) bounties and be thankful for them. Remind yourself repeatedly of Allah’s (swt) promise for those who forgive and move on with a clear heart and conscience.
The Seasons of Love
The social media shows a blissful couple with money, beauty, and adventure. The followers of such media influencers believe that this is their real life, and that their love for each other is undying. The couple is constantly partying with zero responsibilities. But have you seen a garden in full bloom all its life? Never. This idea is as fake as the lives of the celebrities we follow.
There is an ebb and flow of love in our lives. Our past is connected to the present and impacts and influences it. When we understand this reality of relationships, healing is faster, and our chances of becoming miserable due to unresolved emotions also diminish.
John Gray uses an important analogy of a garden to explain how relationships work in our life. Relationship is like a garden. If we want our relationship to thrive, we must ‘water’ it regularly, be wary of unpredictable ‘weather’, sow fresh ‘seeds’, and pull out unwanted ‘weeds’. In short, we must nurture it with special care.
Falling in love is like springtime. We feel, as if we will be happy forever. Love seems eternal, and we cannot imagine not loving our spouse. It is a magical time, when everything seems perfect and works effortlessly. Fragrance and flowers bloom in our lives.
During summer, we realize that our partner is not as perfect as we thought him or her to be. We don’t always feel happy, loving, and fulfilled. Couples become disillusioned, as they have to ‘water’ extra under the scorching sun of life’s challenges, and we have to work hard to ‘weed’ ourselves.
But depending on how well we have tended it in the summer, we get to ‘harvest’ the results of our hard work. We experience a more mature love that accepts our spouse’s imperfections as well as our own. In autumn, we can relax and enjoy the love we have created.
Now, the winter frost sets in. Nature pulls back within itself, and everything becomes barren and cold. Our unresolved feelings from the past surface. This is the time for solitary growth. Men might hibernate in their caves and women might sink to the bottom of their wells. We need to look more to ourselves than our partner for fulfilling our emotional needs. We need to rest, reflect, and renew.
Remember, love is seasonal. In spring, it is easy. In summer, it is hard work. In autumn, you may feel generous and fulfilled. But in winter, you feel empty again. Those who persevere welcome spring again with renewed hope, love, and an abundance of possibilities.
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