Like for many Pakistanis, my marriage was an arranged one. My wife and I had similar upbringings, cultural values, financial standings, and seemingly similar mentalities. My family introduced us; we had a couple of meetings; everything seemed good; we did our Istikharah, and before we knew it, we were engaged! I was sure it was the beginning of my happily ever after.
Sadly, it was not to be. After almost five years of a very difficult marriage, we parted ways. In hindsight, I see a lot of things that could have been done differently. I wanted to share my experience, so that others can hopefully benefit from it.
Pay heed to the vibes you get
When before Rukhsati I saw mood swings and bouts of anger, I put it down to wedding stress and getting to know a stranger. When I saw fits of jealousy, extremely possessive behaviour, and continuous demands for attention, I thought it was her way of showing her love and adoration. I just wanted to get married and was willing to ignore all the signs, which in hindsight I know I should’ve heeded. If you are getting the wrong vibes early on, when getting to know your spouse/spouse to be, don’t ignore them. Listen to your inner voice, talk to a trusted married friend or sibling about what is making you uncomfortable, and rely your gut feeling. Don’t chalk important things to ‘wedding jitters’ and don’t bank on ‘he or she will change once we are together’. Most certainly, don’t care about ‘what people will say’, if you have to call it off.
Work hard on your marriage but not at the expense of giving up your rights
Alas, I was too excited and bedazzled by the prospect of having a wife and dove headlong into marriage, ignoring the discomfort I felt. Alhumdulillah, there were times when we were amazingly happy, but more often than not, there were issues that overshadowed the good times. Don’t get me wrong. Marriages need a lot of work. Both spouses have to compromise and give in to make things work. After all, it is two very different people who are trying to make a life together, and it is always done through trial and error. Having said that, compromise does not mean forgoing your rights. If a wife is disobedient, does not respect her husband, raises her voice, or uses language that is not befitting for a husband, then you need to very clearly let her know that you expect her to give you the rights that Allah (swt) has ordained. The same goes for the women as well: if your husband mistreats you, you are within your rights to demand it of him. If you back off in the name of ‘making it work’, chances are that your spouse will continue taking advantage of you. However, I kept giving in and agreeing to unreasonable demands, hoping a few more years would settle things down. In retrospect, I realize that if I had put my foot down when things were getting out of hand, my wife may have either understood what I was saying or we may have parted earlier, without suffering for five years.
Don’t make Haram on yourself what Allah (swt) has made Halal
When things went from bad to worse in just three years, I started having thoughts of divorce. But I buried them away! I kept thinking of the Hadeeth: “The lawful thing which Allah (swt) hates most is divorce.” (Ibn Majah) I refused to entertain thoughts of doing something Allah (swt) hated. I thought things would settle down, if we had a child, or if we took a vacation, or if I bought her something she wanted.
Here lay my biggest fault. Even though divorce is disliked, remember that it has been allowed by Allah (swt) for a reason – unhappy marriages and dysfunctional families are a greater setback to the Ummah than a divorce done for the right reasons. Allah (swt) has left an exit for us. He has warned us not to take it lightly and clearly stated that He abhors divorce, so that Muslims do not consider divorce on every petty matter. But if you sincerely feel that you have done everything possible to make things work and have done Istikharah, then taking the option of divorce might be the only way forward.
The system of three divorces is a blessing from Allah (swt)
In His amazing wisdom, Allah (swt) has created the system of three divorces. The first and second divorces are more of a warning from the husband to the wife. A sort of three months long time-out, during which the couple gets the chance to make amends. If they do, and the husband decides to take his wife back, then they go back to being husband and wife and nothing changes. It’s a warning and a reminder to both the parties to try their best to make things work in the future. But if the couple cannot make peace even after living together for three months with their best behaviour, then that’s a good indication it’s time to move on. My advice to brothers going through a difficult marriage is to use this warning system out of hope to make things work. I had taken too long to come to this realization, and when I did give my wife the first divorce, things had already turned so sour that we were unable to make amends. If I had warned her of her excesses early on, maybe we could have worked things out.
Go through your divorce the way it has been taught
One thing I cannot stress enough is the importance of not proclaiming divorce in a state of anger, which is an action even further disliked by Allah (swt). If you are having difficulties in your marriage and you cannot but feel a life without your wife would be better, first do your Istikharah. Talk to your wife openly regarding getting professional counselling or employ well-wishers to help mediate between you. If these steps don’t work, then give her the first divorce only and keep her with you during her Iddah of three menstrual cycles. This is a great time for both husband and wife to be at their best behaviour in hopes to mend their relationship. However, if nothing improves, then at the end of her Iddah, release her from your Nikah in the best possible way, the way of Ihsan, by giving her gifts, and whatever she desires from you, which is fair. You do not have to proclaim any more divorces, for this leaves an option to get back together later on, especially if you have children.
Pakistani law and divorce
The last note is on the Pakistani legalities of divorce. Many lawyers in Pakistan insist on the need for a three-time proclamation of divorce. This is untrue. Pakistani law is perfectly accepting of a single proclamation of divorce. All you need is a single written proclamation of divorce with personal details of both, husband and wife, signatures of the husband and two witnesses on a stamp paper, delivered to the Union Council in your city. If your lawyer insists on signing a three-divorce proclamation, then find a lawyer who will do it the right way.
I wish that no one would have to go through this painful process, but if you must, do not delay it in hopes of things magically improving. Be proactive, and have your elders or wise well-wishers help you sort out your issues. Use the option of the first divorce as a warning notice, but don’t take that lightly either. And if nothing else works, release your wife with Ihsan, for Allah (swt) is watching.
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