When Gratitude Doesn’t Come Easy – Part 3

By Farheen Moin – Hiba magazine team writer

Gratitude can often be one of the hardest virtues to hold on to when you are facing life head on. ‘How do I practice thankfulness when I am in the middle of a storm?’ you may wonder.

In this third part of the series on gratitude and wellbeing, I’ll explore ways to navigate the obstacles that can make gratitude difficult during life’s challenges.

Honoring the space between pain and gratitude

Gratitude is often presented as something we should be able to access instantly, yet this assumption can create unrealistic expectations and subtle pressure. By acknowledging that there is often a difficult journey between pain and gratitude, we make room for gratitude that is real rather than forced.

People may struggle with gratitude not because they are ungrateful, but because of deeply human factors like traumatic experiences, chronic stress, financial strain, or years spent in survival mode. Personality and upbringing also shape how gratitude is felt or expressed. Some people are naturally more reserved or skeptical, others grew up without models of gratefulness, while some may have been raised with a sense of entitlement that reduces their capacity to be grateful.

Cultural context adds another layer. In more competitive or individualistic environments, people may find it harder to express appreciation, while cultures that idealize gratitude may unintentionally encourage surface-level positivity or the suppression of unresolved pain. In both cases, gratitude risks becoming something people perform rather than something they truly experience.

Urging someone to show gratitude when they are dealing with hurt or loss, does not build resilience; it often shuts them down by invalidating their experience. What genuinely helps is giving them space to process their struggles so that gratitude can emerge naturally.

Cultivating gratitude amid crisis: Indeed with hardship is ease

Building on the understanding that gratitude is cultivated gradually, we now explore how it can be held in moments of crisis—through practices that honor struggle without losing sight of growth.

Both/And Thinking. Being grateful when things are falling apart isn’t about denying the intensity of the struggle, it’s about making a conscious choice of seeing the light in the darkest moments. You can be overwhelmed AND still notice a good moment or blessing. In psychological language this is called both/and thinking: the ability to hold space for two truths at the same time. This contrasts with either/or thinking (also called black-and-white thinking) where we believe we must choose only one reality.

Both/and thinking makes space for contradictory experiences to co-exist. For example, you might be upset about missing an important exam due to illness AND still recognize and be grateful for access to medical care, or simply appreciate a bowl of warm soup.

With Hardship Comes Ease. The Quranic principal that “Verily with hardship comes ease, verily with hardship comes ease”(Surah Al-Inshirah 94:5-6), reminds us that ease is not only something that comes after a difficulty, but with it—it is something woven into it. With this certainty, we can train ourselves to purposely look for the ease embedded in the challenging moment.

Ask yourself: What resources do I still have? What personal strengths can I depend on? What can I learn from this? How is God redirecting me? Is there one thing I can do today that will bring me some relief? Where is the ease that Allah (swt) has promised in this? Such questions shift our attention from what is tough to what is quietly supporting us.

Practice micro-gratitude. Sometimes the ease we are searching for is in something small, like someone’s smile or kind gesture, a peaceful moment in nature, a supportive friend, a flash of clarity, or simply the rhythm of our breath. Whisper a soft ‘thank you” or “Alhamdulillah” for these small blessings.

Micro-gratitude isn’t meant to dismiss pain; it’s a gentle reminder that life still holds moments worth holding on to. It’s a flicker of hope, a soft light that helps us move forward.

Gratitude Journaling. This is a familiar and scientifically supported practice. You can begin by noting five things you are grateful for at the end of each day.

On days that feel particularly heavy, challenge yourself to list fifty, or even a hundred, blessings both past and present. At first, your mind may go blank. But as you continue, you’ll notice the countless gifts that have been there all along.

Challenge your sense of entitlement. An inflated sense of entitlement can distort our relationship with gratitude. Entitlement operates on the assumption that we inherently deserve everything we have and want. From this mindset a person may think, “Why should I thank God or anyone else for something I am supposed to have anyway?”

This leads to two problems: when blessings come, gratitude feels optional; when blessings are withheld, resentment takes over. Reflect on where a sense of entitlement might be influencing your expectations or reactions. Identifying it is the first step towards softening it.

Be a thankful slave of God. Sometimes we forget our true relationship with Allah (swt). Islam describes this relationship as one of Abd (servant) and Rabb (Lord). Our role is servitude, and a servant feels grateful for even the smallest gift, knowing that nothing truly belongs to him.

Remembering this broader spiritual context softens the heart. It grounds us, humbles us, and opens the door to deeper appreciation of life.

Slow down. In times of crisis, our minds race ahead, jumping from one concern to the next. But this mental rush and living in survival mode is a major barrier to gratefulness. How can we notice the small mercies around us if we move through our days at a fast, chaotic pace?

Gratitude requires presence, and presence requires slowing down. Slowing down doesn’t always mean taking long breaks or having hours of quiet time. It just means pausing long enough to give your full attention to something as simple as feeling the sunlight on your skin, or the warmth in someone’s words.

Counter the minds negativity bias. Our minds are naturally wired to detect threats more readily than blessings—a tendency known as the negativity bias. As psychologist Rick Hanson puts it, “The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones.” In other words, negative memories cling to our minds while positive moments tend to slip away unless we consciously capture them.

Then it’s not astonishing that in moments of crisis the mind magnifies the painful parts of an experience and minimizes the sources of support, comfort or ease. To restore balance, we must intentionally notice and hold on to what’s good.

Pair Gratitude with Patience. Without patience, people tend to be thankful only when things are easy. The key to consistency in thankfulness is patience. In difficult moments, frustration, grief or anxiety can block thankfulness. Practicing patience, especially when it is rooted in faith and trust, calms the heart and creates the mental and emotional space needed to recognize blessings that exist.

In Islam, Sabr(patience, perseverance) and Shukr(thankfulness) are often mentioned together, reflecting their interconnected nature. Sabr grounds gratitude in trust in God’s timings, shifts our perspective from hardship to the lessons, growth and a deeper sense of meaning in life.

As these practices are deliberately incorporated into daily life, gratitude becomes increasingly accessible, even amid real and ongoing challenges.

Rather than denying hardship, they teach us how to hold difficulty and ease at the same time. In doing so, these strategies expand the heart, shift the mind from scarcity to abundance and allow thankfulness to flourish.

The writer would love to hear your thoughts on the article. Feel free to email her your feedback and reflections at inopendialogue@gmail.com