The Quran presents the essence of parenting through case studies. It is incredible how Allah (swt) has offered an example of every kind of family, household, parents, and kids. You will find your own story in one or the other chapters of this Holy Book revealed 1400 hundred years ago. Here are some stories for gauging the reality of parenting.
Bad parenting turns out a good child
In Babylon, Azar was a sculptor of wooden and stone idols. He was the source of Shirk. The society was immersed in false beliefs and a corrupt social system. They supported each other in the polytheistic faith blindly.
In this very home and society, Ibrahim (as) was born. His Fitrah stayed intact, and he developed repulsion for Shirk. He sought Allah (swt) on his own and was guided to become a future prophet establishing Tauheed.
When he tried to invite his father and provide evidence to his community against their false practices, he was branded a rebel, nearly burnt to death, and finally banished from the city.
One could easily ascertain that he was an amazing son of a truly messed up dad. However, the evil environment did not impact his Iman. In fact, he became a star prophet of all monotheistic religions. A child any parent could dream of.
Good parenting turns out good and bad children
Yaqoob (as) was a great father and a great prophet. He must have been fair to all his children in matters of their upbringing and providing the best of counsels. But the results were polar opposites.
On one hand, we see Yusuf (as) separated from his father at a very young age. He was intelligent, good looking, and young. He had to live in a politician’s residence and was invited to sin by the minister’s wife. Later, due to false accusations, he ended up in the worst of environments – the prison.
However, through all these trials, he retained his good character. Allah (swt) enabled him to think for himself and not be blinded by the evil. He was a chip of the old block, a great child of a great father.
On the other hand, his older siblings, despite living with a noble father all their lives, lied, schemed, threw their younger brother in the well, and were disrespectful to their father.
The same parenting bred goodness in some children and was unable to guide others.
Good parenting – a cause of protection for the parents
In Surah Al-Kahf, we read about the story of Khidhr (as) killing a young boy. Musa (as) as his companion called it a deplorable thing. Khidhr (as) explained to Musa the reason behind this act of his, which in reality was done at Allah’s (swt) command.
The parents of the boy were righteous believers. Allah (swt) knew that the child will overburden his parents with his disbelief and transgression later in life. Hence, Allah (swt) wanted to grant to the couple another son, who would be pure and more merciful in conduct. This is how the Lord rewards their righteousness.
Here we can learn that there are cases when Allah (swt) wants to benefit His believers, so He takes away their most beloved belonging that would hurt them later and replace it with something better. This is Allah’s (swt) care and concern.
Good parenting – a source of protection for the children
In the same Surah Al-Kahf, we read another story, where in some town, Khidhr (as) restored a wall that would have collapsed. Despite the fact that the town’s residents refused to offer a meal to Khidhr (as) and Musa (as), he built the wall without claiming any wages for the service.
Musa (as) again asked the reason behind this decision, to which Khidhr (as) explained how he was only following Allah’s (swt) commands.
The wall belonged to two orphan boys in the city. Their late father had been a righteous slave of Allah (swt). The Lord wanted the children to reach maturity and extract their treasure from beneath. Hence, worship and obedience of parents secures the future of their children, by Allah’s (swt) will.
The heartache
You brought them into this world; carried them in your arms; dashed to the hospital in the middle of the night when their fever spiked; fed them and changed their diapers; celebrated their little milestones, be at home or school; and giggled and played with them. They grew up to their full strength. But suddenly everything changed…
They stopped caring about you. They talked back, yelled, accused, stayed out late at nights, stole, raised their hand at you, took alcohol or drugs, stopped praying and dressing up appropriately. In some cases, they even left Islam.
Can there be a greater trial for a parent?
This has been happening for thousands of years. The Quran, understanding the psyche of rebellion exactly, advises regarding the expected behaviour of children: “And your Lord has decreed that you worship not except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as] ‘uff’, and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” (Al-Isra 17:23)
But ‘uff’ is a very small word. The kids shout back: “I have had enough! I want to live my own life!” … and walk out the door.
Remember this…
- Your child will stand on his own merit to face Allah (swt).
Prophet Muhammad (sa) told his daughter Fatimah: “O Fatimah, daughter of Muhammad, be cautious of Allah (swt). I will have no authority to make any case on your behalf to Allah (swt).” Once puberty hits them, our children will stand in trial before Allah (swt) alone. This is the grand plan. There is nothing we can do about it – simply because your child is Allah’s (swt) slave first, then only your offspring.
- You can do your best and back off.
As parents we have responsibility towards them to bring them up to the best of our ability, knowledge, and resources. By no means will we be held responsible for their choices in life. All our life we can continue to love them, show our concern, make Duas, and desire a good life and righteous end for them.
- You cannot control the environment.
Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan shared how parents from all over the world send him heart wrenching messages of their sacrifices for their children’s belief. They have moved cities, schools, and neighbourhoods, just to provide their kids with an ideal Islamic environment. But their kid turns against Islam at the end of it all. Know that you have done your job as Prophet Nuh (as) had; yet, his son did not turn out to be a believer either.
- Your children are an Amanah from Allah (swt).
As painful as it may sound, but our kids are not our ownership. They are a trust from Allah (swt) and will ultimately return to their Lord. We cannot own them, and, hence, we cannot control them either. But we can do our best job, while they are under our care. As they grow up and move out, we should be loving whenever we interact with them.
- Your emotional role will never end.
No matter how misguided your child becomes, never stop being a parent. Cook for them, hug them, kiss them, make Dua for them, and listen to them. Especially when a child rebels against Allah (swt), he just needs you to be his parent. This is his best bet for reverting back to you and his faith. Otherwise, Shaitan will incite your child that you don’t care for him, and he will drift further away.
- Your spiritual role should be suspended sometimes.
If you have worked for your child’s faith in his childhood, and, yet, when he touches puberty, God forbid, he stops believing, praying or following Islam, do not offer him Dawah anymore. Many parents out of frustration curse their children, invoke against them, kick them out of the house, and so on. Remember this is a great trial that Yaqoob (as) faced at the hands of his wicked sons. But he only prayed to Allah (swt) for Sabrun Jameel (beautiful patience) and remained with the same offspring until the end.
Many parents become a cause of driving their children away from Allah (swt) by their incorrect parenting. After puberty, we are coaches. After they go astray, the only way to get them back is through love. Some parents and kids have such bad blood between them that religion becomes a further blow.
- You need plenty of Sabr and Hikmah.
It is devastating to see your own flesh and blood travel down the road of doom and do nothing about it. But you can. Do not force them anymore. Nouman Ali Khan confesses that so many kids come to him and tell him that they hate him, because their parents force them to watch his videos. But parents cannot shove religion down their child’s throat. Luqman’s (as) exhaustive advice to his son, which is the longest passage on the subject of parenting, also looks for a strategic opportunity and right time to talk to his son.
- Your kids will hate what you love the most, when they are annoyed with you.
Sometimes, when your kids are angry with you, they intentionally curse what is dear to you. They see it as an obstacle between you and them. It is important to bring down the conflict and ease the tension in the house. We should pray to Allah (swt) earnestly to soften our and our children’s hearts, enable them to make Taubah for committing the crime of mistreating their parents, and bring relief to the suffering of all such families. Ameen.
Dua to Seek Refuge from a Child that Transgresses
اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ جَارِ السُّوءِ، وَمِنْ زَوْجٍ تُشَيِّبُنِي قَبْلَ الْمَشِيبِ، وَمِنْ وَلَدٍ يَكُونُ عَلَيَّ رِبًا
O Allah! I take your refuge from a bad neighbour and from a spouse that renders me old before my elderly age, and from an offspring that becomes my master. (Tabarani)
Dua for a Child’s Spiritual Guidance
اللَّهُمَّ فَقِّهْهُ فِي الدِّينِ وَعَلِّمْهُ التَّأْوِيلَ
O Allah! Grant him an understanding of faith and teach him commentary of the Quran. (Ahmad)
Dua to Enable the Child to Decide Correctly
اللَّهُمَّ اهْدِهِ
O Allah! Guide him or her. (Ahmad)
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