For most children, scoring the highest percentage, attending a prestigious school and then landing a high-paying job are major goals. As parents, these are the targets we set for ourselves and then transfer to our kids. The irony is that there is nothing inherently wrong with these goals. The issue is that when they become our only goals, they come with a hefty price tag.
Children hear with their eyes. You can lecture them for hours, but in most cases, they will end up doing what they see you do. So if we brush off the rights of our parents, relatives or neighbours, we should not be distraught to see our kids follow suit.
In our rat-race lives, where our children are rushing to get one more A and one more internship, do we even have time to stress the importance of Adab (etiquette)? Do we value manners as much as grades?
As a mother of three kids, I fear that the problem these days is not the outright rudeness; rather, it is lack of interest in developing real life human connections. Teenagers have so many virtual friends and followers on social media that they don’t think it is important to spend time with their aunt or lend a hand to their uncle. They are too busy in tallying “likes” from strangers on their latest Instagram photo to worry about what is liked by their family.
So what do we do? Throw our hands up in the air, lament about current trends and just hope they will turn out okay? The actual result of whether our children turn out as well-rounded adults is not in our control as guidance can only come from Allah (swt). However, it is our duty to try our best, so at least we can tell our Creator that we put in effort.
Abu Hurairah (rtam) reported that Rasulullah (sa) said: “Richness does not lie in the abundance of (worldly) goods, but richness is the richness of the soul (heart, self).” (Muslim)
I spoke to other parents about this lack of etiquette epidemic, and we agreed that we all know what to do. So in this article, I will focus more on how to make Adab part of our children’s lives.
- Teach Taqwa. Just like we teach our children to say ‘please’, ‘sorry’ and ‘thank you’, we should teach them to read Duas throughout the day. If they learn what each Dua means, we are inculcating a sense of Allah-consciousness, and the accompanying etiquette will be easier to teach. How? When a child starts his meal with remembering Allah (swt), it is more probable that he will eat with his right hand, not complain about the food, make sure everyone gets a fair share and be grateful to his mother for preparing the meal.
- Teach hospitality. These sponges we give birth to absorb our cues. So if we make faces upon hearing the arrival of guests, do not be surprised when they do the same. How? Instill the Islamic virtue of hospitality by involving the kids in making a small welcome basket with some snacks for the guest room and pick out fresh flowers to greet them. You might forget these gestures, but they will be etched in the little minds. The same technique can be used for encouraging them to initiate Salam. How? Make it a game when they are young, as to how many aunties did you say Salam to at the party? As they grow older, give them a tip to add a sentence or two. Remember to offer your condolences, when you say Salam to uncle Salman, who recently lost his wife, or ask aunty Mona, how she is doing post-surgery.
- Teach interpersonal relationships. The Prophet (sa) used to make whoever he met feel important. Our smartphone-addicted kids just nod or reply in monosyllables instead of engaging in intelligent conversation. How? Limit screens to a set number of hours a day. Ban devices during family time and at meals. Discuss current events with your children, so they have a practice for talking to those not in their age group. Practice having conversations, where they maintain eye contact.
- Teach empathy. How? Ask your son how he would feel, if he was the only one not invited to play basketball? Ask your daughter how she would feel, if she was sitting by herself while the ‘cooler’ girls were giggling in a group? They might not do exactly as they are told right away, but it does give them food for thought.
- Teach accountability. Teach the concept of how our deeds will be weighed, not counted, before Allah (swt). Therefore, even the seemingly trivial act done with a good intention could tip the scales in our favour. How? Opening the door for someone, carrying books for your teacher, watching younger siblings so mom can nap, buying your driver the same burger that you are getting for yourself and so on.
- Teach Sunnah. We are so quick to follow the latest fitness and fashion trends but think twice about adopting a Sunnah. Etiquette will be on auto-pilot, if we follow the way of our beloved Prophet (sa). In order to do as he did, we have to learn the Seerah. Read together and see how he helped in the house and how he was patient with children even during prayer. How? Start Sunnah Saturdays in your house, where you try to adopt a new Sunnah each week. It could be as simple as dusting your bed before you go to sleep.
Offering food to others before you pile your plate or giving up your seat for someone may seem like small things, but if you see your child doing that, appreciate it just as much as you would a stellar report card. How? Have small “caught you doing good” tickets in your purse. Whenever you see your child exhibiting some etiquette, give her one. She can exchange them for a treat or privilege later. For older children, when stickers and candy are not enough, at least acknowledge their efforts and remind that the ultimate reward lies with Allah (swt).
Our job is to plant the seeds. As parents ourselves now, we admit that we do remember the things our parents taught us decades ago. We should have the best intention and be hopeful that these etiquette trees will bear fruit, some sooner or later than others. We might not even be around to taste the fruit, but at least we can stand before our Lord and say we planted the seeds and cared for them to the best of our ability.
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