- Know the perceived gap.
Neda Mulji, the author of “The Love Connection” states that “as opposed to animals, the human infant is born in a state of utter dependence, and while we feel an intense surge of love when we hold them, we can never be sure of how they are feeling and whether or not they receive our love with the same intensity with which we shower it upon them.” There will always be a perceived gap between what we are giving the child and what is being received at the other end. That is why we may find some kids expressing anger bursts, which may also make parents insecure. Know that this is a natural life journey. Everyone will not be happy and understood all the time
- Know that love is expressed and received in multiple ways.
While love is instinctive, the ways in which we express it varies greatly. Similarly, children receive and respond to love in different ways, too. In a family of three siblings, all may have different expectations of love from their mother. One might respond to cuddles and hugs. The next needs to be played with. The third may want to hear verbal affirmations, such as ‘I love you’. The idea is to identify the child’s need for love in different circumstances and do just that, instead of what makes you feel gratified as a parent. Once you have done that, you have crossed a very important bridge. This will remind your child of being valued and build his self-worth, too.
- Know that children need to learn to reciprocate the love they receive.
Once you have figured out your child’s language of love, it is time to teach him how to respond. This is a skill very few parents focus on; hence, most kids develop a sense of entitlement and insensitivity towards their parents’ feelings. Receiving love is as important as expressing it back. When we teach them to say ‘thank you’, ‘sorry’ and ‘please’, it is equally important to empower them to say ‘I love you’. Many years down the lane, you will have their spouses thank you most of all. Non-expression of love is a common ground for failed marriages today.
- Know that children also need to learn about communication breakdowns.
With the advent of WiFi, this concept can now be easily taught to kids. Sometimes due to technical glitches or poor reception, our Internet signals do not work, frustrating us with our powerlessness. In such cases, we wait patiently for signals to restore and communicate with the Internet company to solve the issue. Likewise, our children need to learn that the same happens in human communication. Sometimes, no matter what you do or how you do it, nothing works, and we end up in fights and disappointments. At such times, we do not quit the relationship but wait patiently – we listen to each side to understand their points of view. Things do become okay again.
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