By Bilal Naeem and Rana Rais Khan
Emotional intelligence is a term that has gained a lot of traction in the last few years but what does it mean and how is it relevant in the context of a family?
In simple terms, it means being aware of and managing emotions in a way that brings peace and happiness to everyone.
As Muslims, we have a roadmap to this through the teachings from the Quran and the excellent examples from the life of the Prophet Muhammad (sa). Our guiding Ayat from the Quran is: “O you who have believed, protect yourself and your families from a fire whose fuel is people and stones…” (At Tahrim 66:6)
Individuals who dream of a peaceful home, leaving behind a legacy after they die and giving their best to their families while they are alive deem to be emotionally intelligent people. They work on themselves, next help their loved ones and so on expand their circle of positive influence.
A believer has pure intention, patience, prioritization, an action plan and a loving heart to do all of this. When he is emotionally down, he draws strength from Allah (swt) through prayer. Every step he/she takes in this direction of self-reform and character building of the family is worship in the sight of Allah (swt) for which he will be greatly honoured and rewarded by Allah (swt) Al Wahaab, the Bestower, Who granted him this family in the first place.
What are some practical ways to be emotionally intelligent?
Self-Awareness: Understanding Our Own Emotions
The first step to managing our emotions and helping to manage the emotions of others is to have clarity on our feelings, accepting them, and having a deeper understanding of why we are experiencing them and how legitimate are they.
When this clear awareness exists, we are able to respond intelligently to the situation rather than reacting impulsively. In a family context, displaying this mature behavior not only helps us to have a stable environment but teaches other family members how to process and express their emotions.
Allah (swt) warns in the Quran: “And do not follow what you have no knowledge of. Indeed, the hearing, the sight, and the heart—about all those [one] will be questioned” (Al Isra 17:36).
These Ayaat emphasize the importance of being mindful of our actions, thoughts, and emotions and our responsibility around them. Our feelings must not lead us to injustices or becoming self-centred. Our emotions must not give us the license to manipulate or follow our desires.
Self-Regulation: Practicing Patience and Self-Control
The Prophet Muhammad (sa) was an exemplary model of patience and self-control. Practicing self-regulation helps us manage how we respond to our emotions, particularly intense ones. We may often find ourselves in a situation where a family member has said something hurtful or behaved in a way we dislike. Our initial reaction might be harsh but if we regulate ourselves and choose not to react or retaliate immediately, we can find it easier to behave with kindness and understanding.
For this we have to study Prophet Muhammad’s (sa) own family life closely. He faced simple issues such as when one of his wives was crying for a faster camel and he was wiping away her tears not blaming her for being childish. And he also faced extremely distressing situations when our mother of the believers Aisha (rta) was slandered in Madinah.
The Prophet (sa) said: “”The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger.” (Bukhari)
Similarly we all know about the argument Fatimah (rta), the lady who will be admitted first to Jannah had with her husband Ali (rta), the most wise, brave, eloquent and competent of Sahabahs. How did they resolve it and proceed with their lives with the same love and care? Learn it to apply it.
Empathy: Understanding and Sharing the Feelings of Others
Empathy is the core of emotional intelligence, and it’s something Islam teaches us to incorporate in all our relationships. Empathy involves putting ourselves in the position of others and attempting to understand the emotions arising out of their point of view and responding with compassion. This helps to create a psychological safety within the family, where all members feel understood and valued. This feeling of not being immediately judged or held accountable for every little action or word uttered when having a bad day or when in a bad mood creates a sense of trust and safety.
In family life, showing empathy can mean listening without judgment when someone shares a problem or giving them a comforting word when they are distressed.
The Prophet (sa) also exemplified empathy. He would listen to people attentively, care for their needs, and make them feel valued. Simple acts of kindness, like checking in on a sick one, how a family member is feeling or offering to help with a problem, go a long way in fostering empathy and closeness.
Communication: Expressing Emotions in a Healthy Way
Effective communication is crucial in any relationship, especially within the family. Emotional intelligence teaches us to express our feelings honestly but respectfully, without hurting others. Clear, kind, and open communication helps family members understand each other’s needs and emotions, fostering mutual respect.
The Prophet Muhammad (sa) advised, “…Whoever believes in Allah (swt) and the Last Day should speak good or remain silent” (Muslim). This Hadith is a reminder to be mindful of our words, especially during family interactions. When we feel frustrated or angry, it’s essential to take a deep breath, not to decide anything or communicate at that moment. By doing so, we prevent impulsive actions, misunderstandings and build a sensible family atmosphere.
Conflict Resolution: Forgiveness and Letting Go
In every family, there will be disagreements. The way we handle conflicts can either strengthen or weaken family ties. Islam encourages us to keep our language in check, ignore small misgivings, forgive if hurt and not hold grudges, which is a vital aspect of emotional intelligence.
Allah (swt) says, “The good deed and the bad deed are not the same. Repel [evil] by that [deed] which is better; and thereupon, the one whom between you and him is enmity will become as though he was a devoted friend.” (Fussilat 41:34).
This verse teaches us to respond to conflicts with goodness, which can transform relationships. In family settings, holding a respectful dialogue to intimate your hurt, but still practicing forgiveness allows us to move past mistakes and continue building a supportive, loving environment.
The Prophet Muhammad (sa) emphasized forgiveness throughout his life. He said: “The Compassionate One has mercy on those who are merciful. If you show mercy to those who are on the earth, He Who is in the heaven will show mercy to you.” (Abu Dawud).
When we forgive, we also draw closer to Allah (swt), who loves those who are merciful.
Care, Safety and Purity of intention
Being emotionally intelligent as a family means creating an environment where everyone feels safe, supported, and valued. This includes celebrating each other’s successes, offering a helping hand in difficult times, and making space for every family member’s voice to be heard.
The Prophet Muhammad (sa) said: “The best of you are those who are best to their families” (Ibn Majah). May Allah (swt) protect our families from Shaitan and bless our families with love, patience, and understanding, and may we strive to be the best to those who are closest to us. Ameen
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