By
Umm Zahra – Hiba magazine team writer
The role of the mother-in-law is as old as humanity. It comes with a set of challenges to be mastered, at which some women do better than others. Today, ladies’ social media forums often discuss the negative traits of the mothers-in-law: the constant interference, temptations to dictate and jealous insinuations.
What we never talk about are the reasons why these women have become who they are.
My observation, experience and research led me to finally pen down some root causes. They may be true in bits and pieces for some women while entirely for the rest.
- Lived a Loveless Marriage of Her Own
Typical Desi marriages are all about having kids, serving the in-laws and staying true to matrimonial obligations. The husband works to earn, and the wife raises children, manages the home, and may even contribute with a support income.
Interestingly, Islam doesn’t talk about any of these reasons as the actual purpose of marriage. In fact, our religion states that “the purpose of marriage is to attain comfort in life”. Check this out:
“And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.” (Ar-Rum 30:21)
The household goods and groceries the husband provides for the family, the occasional eating out sprees, the annual holiday he arranges all earn him a badge of honour. And that’s fine. The problem begins when his marriage is empty of Mawaddah (romance) and Rahmah (mercy).
What he did for the family was his responsibility. But he needed to express his love to his spouse, give her exclusive time and get to know her too along the years. That seldom happens in our culture.
So we end up with a love starved woman who has given the prime years of her life, youth and abilities to a relationship that is not fulfilling. Ask your mother-in-law if you dare: what does her husband do to express his love for her?
- Lost Purpose, Position and Honour
With the marriage of each child, the woman, who has been for long years chained to demanding responsibilities, is finally liberated from these tasks and may feel at ease. Shouldn’t this new life make her happy? Instead, many end up in a panic and feel over-whelmed.
Imagine her as the CEO of a company, for which she has toiled all her life: planning, managing, recruiting, executing, and delegating for the sole purpose to make the company profitable. Now, she is forced into a retirement from the job.
In fact, when a daughter-in-law steps in, the mother-in-law may even feel replaced. She can see that a more beautiful, young, robust and intelligent being is now going to become the centre of her son’s life. He will no longer need his mother to cook for him, iron his clothes or pamper him.
Try to step into this woman’s shoes, who already doesn’t have a loving husband and now her children are also getting distanced from her. Would she not feel abandoned?
- Began to Brew Envy
The love starved woman, who grew old watching dramas of perfect marriages with romantic lovers and blissful relationships, now has a live newlywed couple in front of her eyes. It is but natural to feel sad, frustrated and jealous of her own children, who get to enjoy what she never did and probably never will. One may argue that it was Allah’s (swt) decree for her, so she should be patient. Agreed. But easier said than done.
In fact, her own suffering, loneliness and unjust events of the past may start reeling in her mind every now and then, unconsciously making her draw comparisons between her own famine-stricken marriage and the blooming matrimony of her offspring.
- Had a Weak Faith and Frail Connection to Allah (swt) Because of Life Occupation
Majority of women in their youth and middle age hardly invest in their spiritual nourishment. They may be Muslims but do not recognize Allah (swt) and His decree. There is little or no investment in the understanding of the Quran for life guidelines, spiritual growth and its practical application.
Many women compromise their worship for performing quick, mindless rituals that neither give any solace in discomfort nor promote the development of character and competence. They become Shiatan’s ideal pawns for self-destructing their own lives as well as those of their family.
Only if in your youth you have worshipped Allah (swt) with deliberation, you would long to be in His company, cherish your Ibadah and actually appreciate the free time granted for it in the later years of life.
- Never Knew Her Identity or Developed a Productive Pastime that Generates Inner Satisfaction
Try asking a married woman to introduce herself. After giving her name, she will tell you the number of kids she has and what they do. Typically, in our Eastern culture, a married woman has no identity of her own other than being a wife and a mother.
She is simply Mrs. So-and-So. On the contrary, Islam commands women to carry their father’s surname even after their marriage, because they are not someone’s possession or slave. Plus, a father will never change, whereas a husband can. There is deep wisdom and assurance for women in this simple command.
Her life is wasted on scrolling the smartphone, gossiping with relatives and friends, and meddling in her children’s married life as an unwelcome intruder or an unsolicited consultant.
Most sadly, she is still not loved, valued and cared for by her family. I call it the debris after an earthquake.
Can this Pain go Away? (Don’t Mean the Mother-in-Law!)
I would urge the husbands, the sons, the daughters, the sons-in-law and the daughters-in-law to help this soul re-build her life. They need to break this vicious cycle of pain and problems. How can they help?
- Understand with sincerity and empathize with a strategy.
- Gradually empower her with patience and do not expect a superwoman to emerge overnight.
- Encourage and facilitate her to spend quiet and quality time with her husband alone for finally rekindling her own matrimonial relationship.
- Ask for her advice on matters that she is good at, so that she feels valued and you are helped, too.
- Tell her that you love her and gently guide her to do or not do certain things for setting healthy boundaries.
- Support her and encourage her to enroll in a meaningful Quran course that draws her closer to her Creator and helps her feel content with herself.
- Help her discover or re-discover hobbies and skills that keep her physically fit, emotionally nurtured and intellectually stimulated.
- Find her a mission or a cause that matches her skill set, so she continues giving to others and feels content and accomplished.
Most importantly, remember that a wife, a mother and a mother-in-law is also a woman. She is a human being with genuine needs, sensitive emotions and creative thoughts. They need to be valued and harnessed.
May Allah (swt) Al Haadi be our Guide. Ameen.
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