By Erum Khan – Partial Homeschooler and Passionate Entrepreneur
There are many human relations in this world, but marriage stands out as unique and unmatched. The fact that one has to live 24/7 with another human – often a stranger – opens the door to the greatest test of Adab, or good manners. In happy times, one may behave kindly and respectfully towards the other, but what happens when things get rough? How should one act?
- Start with Taqwa.
The foundation of marriage should always, no matter what, be Taqwa. Husband and wife must try to increase in their consciousness of Allah (swt), individually, as a couple and as a family too. If Taqwa is present in the heart, it will reflect in the statements, actions, daily routines, as well as in difficult times.
- Always try to seek each other’s pleasure.
The wife should practice this when making decisions for herself, the children and the household. This is to increase the love and mercy between the spouses. When she is at home, is she dressed in a beautiful manner that will attract and please her husband? Are her words and behavior showing respect?
A husband should treat his wife nicely, as our Prophet (sa) said: “Among the Muslims, the most perfect, as regards his faith, is the one whose character is excellent, and the best among you are those who treat their wives well.” (Tirmidhi)
He should also know how to deal with her wisely, as our Prophet (sa) said: “A woman has been created from a rib and you cannot straighten her. If you wish to get benefit from her, you can do so with her crookedness. If you try to straighten her, you will break her and breaking a woman means divorcing her.” (Muslim)
- When one doesn’t like a quality or behavior of the spouse.
It may be that one or more habits are displeasing but one should remain tolerant, as our Prophet (sa) said: “A Muslim male can never have enmity for a Muslim female. He may dislike one of her habits but may find any other habit pleasing.” (Muslim) Remember that sometimes one needs to exercise patience in these matters, as Allah (swt) said: “And we have some of you as a trial for others: will you have patience?” (al-Furqan 25:20)
- Intimacy between husband and wife.
Have sincere intention for the intimate relations as means of protecting yourself and your spouse from doing Haram things and increasing the numbers of the Muslim Ummah, so as to raise its status, for there is honor and pride in large numbers.
It was reported from Abu Dharr that the Prophet (sa) said: “In the sexual intercourse of any one of you there is reward (meaning, when he has intercourse with his wife).” They said: “O Messenger of Allah (sa), when any one of us fulfils his desire, will he have a reward for that?” He said: “Do you not see that if he were to do it in a Haram manner, he would be punished for that? So if he does it in a Halal manner, he will be rewarded.” (Muslim)
Intercourse should be preceded by kind words, playfulness and kisses. The Prophet (sa) used to play with his wives and kiss them.
One should be very careful about strictly keeping the bedroom secrets between the spouses, as the Prophet (sa) said: “Among the worst type of people in the sight of Allah on the Day of Judgement is a man, who enjoys his wife’s intimate company, and she enjoys his intimate company, then one of them goes and discloses the secret of the other.” (Muslim)
- Do not discuss private matters publicly.
Breach of confidentiality can have detrimental effects on the stability of the couple’s relationship.
Once, the Prophet (sa) had entrusted a secret to Hafsah (rtaf), who told it to Aishah (rtaf). This led to the plotting and intrigue in his household that caused him to keep away from his wives for a whole month, because he was so upset with them.
- Support in difficult times.
There may come a time, when spouse may not be doing well financially or physically. Should we leave each other’s side in such difficult times?
Look at the example of Khadijah (rtaf). When the Prophet (sa) returned to her after having received the message from angel Jibreel, she did not respond with negative emotions, despite the great matter in front of her. Rather, she reassured the Prophet (sa) and calmly gave supportive advice.
She went further than this, by taking practical steps towards helping her husband in his great endeavour. She took him to meet her uncle Waraqah bin Nawfal, who confirmed his prophethood.
- Behaviour in public.
A wife should guard her Haya – dress in a way that is pleasing to Allah (swt) and her husband. Is she properly covered, when she steps outside of her home? Does she speak and behave in a way that is pleasing to Allah (swt) and her husband? Likewise, the husband should also take care of his hygiene in private and lower his gaze in public.
May Allah (swt) put Barakah in the martial relationships of all Muslims. Ameen.
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