A mother’s whole world often falls apart when her baby birds fly from the nest. She is unable to accept it, especially if the reason is to build another nest with an additional family member. A father who has spent his entire life earning bread and butter for the family is also unable to accept that his children are opting for another field or settling in any other country.
A mother often unconsciously demands a return from her child(ren) for all the times that she has compromised with her in-laws and husband, for the sacrifices she has made, and for all that she has endured her entire life. The submissive mother becomes a very authoritative figure in later years.
The situation calls for an urgent change in mindset. Our children are not here to provide for us, as that is the responsibility of Allah (swt) – He is our Provider and Caretaker. We cannot own our children. They have been bestowed as a responsibility on us, so we can teach them to love and worship Allah (swt) and work for the hereafter. Here are some productive ways to use your time and free yourself from emotional dependence on grown-up children.
Get closer to Allah (swt)
Every retired parent needs to prepare for Akhirah just as the rest of us. But since Allah (swt) has now granted you time and freed you from the hectic responsibilities that bind you into a back to back schedule, you must now commit a significant portion of your life to the worship of Allah (swt). Offer Tahajjud, daily Salat on time, fasting if health permits, reciting and comprehending the Tafseer for understanding and applying the teachings of the Quran, offering Sadaqah, engaging in Zikr, offering Taubah, and doing charity work.
Our Prophet (sa), upon the completion of his mission, was instructed to “Wasjud Waqtarib” (make Sujood and draw nearer to Allah) in Surah An-Nasr which was the last Surah revealed to him, congratulating him upon the scores of Muslims entering Islam. None of the Sahabah could understand the concealed message of Surah An-Nasr. But Abu Bakr (rtam), the man of foresight, began to weep as he comprehended that the Prophet (sa) was not to remain among them for long now.
Before you became parents, you were spouses
In our blind love for children, we tend to overlook and undermine the importance of wedlock. For fathers, providing a luxurious life to children is a must, where they drown themselves in endless work duties. For mothers, their world starts and ends with children. Thus, the gap between the spouses widens, and they draw further apart with time. When the time brings them together again at their old age, they are unable to get used to each other’s presence, as they have become separate entities.
Children are an integral part of life but they are not everything. Spend some time together as a couple. Go to dinners and outings alone. Leave kids with grandparents and have some exclusive time just for the two of you. Give each other pleasant surprises; groom yourself for your spouse. Take some time to talk and vent the suppressed thoughts and emotions, when kids have fallen asleep. Emotional and verbal aging with your spouse is as important as your intimate life.
Learning has no age limit
You have a separate life along with your wedlock and parenthood. Once your children are married and you are done with all your responsibilities, you can opt to learn. Learn the Quran, do online courses, get diplomas, or engage in virtual based learning. Pursue your unfinished dream. Obtain your degree. If you have resources, you can also take courses in arts and crafts. Do whatever you wanted to do but could not do because of the responsibilities earlier. Age is what we perceive it as. Crossing forties does not make one old.
Teaching
It is important to be on your feet. An empty mind is the house of Shaitan. Don’t let Shaitan take advantage of your spare time – do something productive. Teach whatever skill you have. Give tuitions. Teach the Quran. You can also arrange knitting or cooking classes. Ask yourself: what am I good at? Let it be house management skills, parenting skills, or anything else you excel at – you can go for Skype (or any other online medium) sessions and charge via bank transfer. This money can be saved for future use later on in life, enabling you for that long awaited for vacation with your spouse. It also relieves you from financial dependence on grown-up children (and the stress that sometimes accompanies it).
Relive your honeymoon period
Make up for the years which passed in upbringing your kids and running the household. As a couple, we tend to miss out on some crucial times. Let’s make up those lost days – love and travel have no boundaries.
Grandparenthood – the never ending journey
The cycle never ends. From being parents to becoming grandparents, you have gained great insights into parenting and nurturing of children. You can play a supportive role without interfering and being judgemental, and without demeaning your daughter or son-in-law. You very well know what a couple misses out on, when they become parents. You can offer help, so they can have some quality time together and catch up on their sleep. A soft, caring, and loving grandparent has no substitute. Do ensure though that you are not taken for granted – offer only as much help as your health and time allows.
Have a pet
Pets are great mood lifters. They kill that feeling of loneliness and offer company to cherish. It is in our culture to complain at old age about the sacrifices we have made; hence, we push away our loved ones with our irritable mood and sarcasm. Do not dwell on self-pity and regrets. Be the person that others would love to have around.
Be innovative
Today, we see a wide variety of charity drives and volunteer work being done. Be the one behind such a cause. Initiate online campaigns for feeding the hungry and the poor with the help of young volunteers, who can carry out the tasks. If you have secured a financial balance, then you can direct it towards helping people in need, such as special children or terminally ill patients, who are deprived of loved ones.
No matter what our age is or what role we play in our families, we must strive to be better individuals. People love to be around those who are a source of harmony and love.
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