Dealing with teenagers who don’t pray Salah

by

Umm Zahra – Hiba magazine’s team writer

After commanding us to worship Him, Allah (swt) informs humanity, through the Quran, of the various types of Prophetic families He sent to the world. Take a look:

1. Prophet Adam (as) – a believing father who was granted a disbelieving son.
2. Prophet Nuh (as) –another believing father who had a disbelieving son.
3. Prophet Ibrahim (as) – a believing son who had a disbelieving father.
4. Prophet Yaqoob (as) – a believing father with  many disbelieving sons.

Sometimes practicing parents experience agony when their own kids do not respond well to Islam due to different reasons. Maybe that is why Allah (swt) educates us that Divine guidance is only in His hands. We can only try with sincerity and patience.

An Arab scholar shared a very interesting strategy to motivate teenagers who do not pray and have strained relations with their parents due to negligence of prayer.

(Disclaimer: The following solutions are not part of any formal research programme,  but are based on parental experiences).

He advises parents to take the following actions in 4 steps:

Step 1: Assume absolute silence about Salah

1. Begin with an earnest Dua to Allah (swt) that you are doing this solely to raise a devout Muslim who will worship Allah (swt) with love and devotion, hence you need Allah Al Mustaan’s help. Admit your weakness and pain.
2. Understand the law of physics: “To every action there is an equal but opposite reaction.” This is true when we invite our teenager toward Salah with anger, force, threats and humiliation. Stop it immediately. The more you will pull, the more strongly they will push you away and hate Islam.
3. For 3 weeks do not tell him or her to pray. Mark the date in your calendar and do not show negative emotions when you see them lazy about it or missing it. It is very painful and tough for parents, but be patient anyway. Ask Allah (swt) to grant you reward for your patience.
4. Your Sabr (patience) is essential. Just as Prophet Yaquoob (as) demonstrated beautiful patience knowing well that his sons were lying and had harmed Yusuf (as), you must not nag or argue, but silently observe your teen and trust Allah (swt) .
5. Instead, focus on rebuilding your relationship with your child. Spend time together over common interests such as food, sports, reading, or watching something on screen. Listen attentively and talk simply to build a bond you have lost.

Step 2: Act deliberately but silently

1. For the next three weeks, continue to not remind the child about his/her Salah. Instead, refer to your own worship every now and then.
2. Leave your prayer mat around your child and silently pick it up to pray. Casually mention how you are late that day for your prayer.
3. Invite the child to a class or offer him/her a booklet or a card to read from and try to discuss it later. Listen carefully even if your child utters only a few words. Try to find out what interests him about Islam and share relevant material.
4. Your behaviour must be genuine, non-threatening and calm. Treat his spiritual illness like you would treat him during a physical sickness.
5. Remember to be a patient and empathetic listener, not a debater when you converse. He must not feel defensive or pressurized or he will stop sharing his ideas.

Step 3: Show affection and refrain from hurtful comments

1. Love your child and express it with hugs, kisses and tenderness.
2. Converse about other things also such as current affairs, history, science, politics, food or even fashion trends, so they see you in a holistic light rather than a stern, disappointed and angry extremist.
3. Continue making Dua to Allah (swt).

‘O Allah! Forgive his sins, purify his heart and protect his private parts.’ (Musnad Ahmed)

1. Ask Allah (Al Haadi) The Guide to help and guide you and your child in this noble struggle.
2. Your teen will eventually soften when you will stop being judgmental and tolerate calmly their dissenting views.

Step 4: Take them to the Masjid or any place where you have a non-judgmental gathering of worship

1. Most religious parents feel exceptional pressure from such families who have hero kids to flash and flaunt who actually seem larger than life. We automatically start comparing our own struggles as parents to those  successful parents and look down upon any effort and goodness our own child is making. Be grateful for any goodness you see in them, whether it is their intellect, their manners, their ability to make friends, or their creativity.
2. The Masjid is the home of Allah (swt) and brings manifold blessings. If your child willingly accompanies you sometimes, take him. Offer charity to thank Allah (swt) and to ensure He opens doors for you.
3. Do not push the Sunnah and the Nawaafil yet, so long as your son offers his obligatory prayers in congregation. In fact, plan a treat after your trip to the Masjid as a means to celebrate together. For daughters, try bonding over prayers at home- create a prayer niche at home. Alternatively, if she agrees, invite her to attend an on-line class with you and make it a ‘mom- daughter date’. If she is comfortable, try to find Masajid where women can pray .
4. Please understand that every soul has his own pace, journey and means to reach Allah (swt). We, as parents, are facilitators. We are not judges and we are certainly not punishers.
5. Kindness, empathy and mercy are the only means to help our children find their special relationship with Allah (swt) and build that divine connection themselves. Do not fret over the ritual of Salah only. Become a bridge for your child to understand why he/she should pray. After all we want them to pray to Allah (swt) out of love, reverence, and fear even when we are no longer there to remind them.

Once they are granted Iman bi izn Allah, they won’t need us to push them anymore!