What comes to your mind when you think of the word “bloom”? Maybe you visualize a plant along with the words “air, water, soil, and sunlight”. When think about nurturing a plant, we think of the gardener having to ensure that the plant gets all of these, according to its needs.
Each plant grows at its own pace. A chickpea and a green pea will not sprout at the same time. A seasoned gardener knows the need of his plants and caters to each individually. He pays extra attention to the plants, which grow slowly and are fragile.
Likewise, each child is different from another, and it is in maintaining this difference that he stands out as unique. As parents, we must become like competent gardeners. And it is our responsibility to provide extra care and support to the ones whom we call the late bloomers.
Parents, just like gardeners, have no control over the growth of their children. They can only take care of the surroundings – provide an appropriate environment for them, so that children grow into independent individuals. We will be able to do this only if we understand their needs, have a close bond with them, and observe them carefully, rather than critically.
We wish to cater to each child’s needs and wish we could “water” them all the same and give the same “amount of light”. However, as a parent, our role is exactly that of a gardener – not in giving all “the same” but for each child “the right” environment to grow. We trim the plant and reign in it, when needed – but if this is all we do, then what growth can we expect? If as parents we focus excessively only on instruction, supervision and corrections, little time is left to give them the nurturing environment they need. Why are we then surprised that our beautiful little plants seem to be withering away?
What do we, as parents, need to give to our children? A good place to begin is to see what we do not need to give them. Here are some “don’ts”, especially when it comes to dealing with “late bloomers”.
- Comparison
You cannot compare your child to your nephew or his friend. You do not see that child 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You are basing your entire judgement on a few moments of interaction or a single achievement, which you view as an outsider. A child will always have a different relationship with his mother than he would with anyone in the world. No common ground to compare. Your child has his own opportunities, challenges, and desires. You should be there for your child to explore and nurture his God given bounties. The comparison should neither be vocal, nor in the head. Instead of draining energies on comparing, spend time looking for what your child is doing well and cherish it.
- Sarcasm
Remove sarcasm from your daily communication. Comments like “you did poorly in your test – just as I expected” can be the death of a child’s emotional wellbeing. I have seen many children fall down and get up without crying, but as soon as the mother says: “Bohat acha hoa, keh rahi thi nahi karo!” tears stream down their faces like waterfalls.
- Do not remind them of their mistakes
To prove a point or teach a lesson, do not remind them of their mistakes, or the time they forgot their task. Both bring humiliation and suppress growth. It is also a very wrong move if you want your child to be forgiving towards others – and “others” include you too. Children will do what we do, so learn to forgive and forget.
Now that we have covered the “don’ts”, let us explore what should be done.
- One-on-one time
No matter how many children you have, keep room for one-on-one time with each child. How does this work? When do you do it? It is all about picking up a lead. When your child asks you for some attention, some input, tugs at your Kameez while you are cooking, asking you to read a book to him, that is the time you turn off the stove and cash on the opportunity to nurture your child and fulfill his needs. The more you quench their need for attention, the lesser will be its need. If you are caught up in something important and urgent, give the child a time frame for when you will give her time, and make sure to fulfill your commitment.
If children have crossed the age of ten years and the realization has dawned upon you now for spending time with them, you will need to find moments when they are free, and enter their space with a topic of their interest, not yours. This time is about the child, not for asking about their homework, lessons, or tests. Cherish this time. Let them ask questions and lead the discussion. Also, keep in mind that it is okay for your child to disagree. Values are ingrained through behaviour not through meaningless arguments and days of non-communication.
- Precise praise
When the child shares something with you, whether it is him showing you some achievement, a drawing or a project, give complete attention with precise appreciation. “Yeah, great drawing…”, while you are looking into the cooking pot, does not do much. “I see your colour palette is very vibrant” while looking at the artwork is going to give your child a sense of achievement and the drive to raise the bar.
- Let them dream
She wants to invent a car that can fly? Let her dream. Do not let it come crashing down. You do not know the world your child will be living in – who knows, there will be cars that can fly! Let that car be the one your child would make.
- Let them find and pursue their interests
Every child cannot excel in the same field. Believe that Allah (swt) has a plan for everyone. Your child will get his fair share of Rizq, whether he gets straight As. What really is important is for him to be passionate about something.
If you do not see your child being interested in anything, you need to add to his exposure. Let him attend workshops on various topics, take him to book fairs and see which topics interest him more. However, not every child may be interested in reading a book. See, if they like watching documentaries or reading short pieces from the internet or e-books. Once they have found their interests, let them put their full potentials into it.
In the end, it is only one’s firm faith in Allah (swt) and His decree, which helps us keep hope and not give up on our children. What is a plant, when a gardener has given up on it? Last but not the least, we need to strengthen the self-confidence of our children, so they do not fall into the trap of comparing themselves to others. They also need to be emotionally strong, so they do not get hurt by the comments that are sure to come.
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