I once asked a university student about the real source of the high self-esteem he exhibited. He responded by walking up to the front of the lecture room, wrote his name on the centre of the whiteboard and drew a circle around it. Then he said, “The world revolves around me.” Amused, I told him that one day he will learn that’s not how the world really works. On another occasion, a school teacher of a private school told me she is not allowed, as a matter of policy, to say anything in the classroom that might affect students’ confidence or self-esteem. She felt this was hindering both her teaching and the students’ ability to learn. These conversations illustrate the importance placed on self-esteem in our society.
Self-esteem: The Lens for Self-evaluation
Self-esteem generally means how an individual evaluates his or her competence and self-worth. According to William James, one of the founders of Western psychology, self-esteem is derived from perceived competence in things that are important to us. Sociologist Charles Cooley identified perceived judgements of others as another source of self-esteem.
On the surface, self-esteem is a familiar household term. Many parents, teachers, and psychological counsellors consider high self-esteem as one of the most important ingredients for success. The subject has spurred endless articles and self-help books.
Let us take a closer look at self-esteem. The question is: do we really understand its modern connotations and its implications for society? Another question is: how does the modern view on self-esteem compare with a revelation-based perspective? This article will attempt to reveal the various layers of this concept and help you develop a healthy self-esteem rooted in Islamic values.
Philosophical Underpinnings
Few people realize that the modern view of self-esteem has its roots in human-centered philosophies that trace back to the Enlightenment, a movement that brought a shift in Western thought. Its principal stance was that human society and its morality should be based on reason alone.
One of the assumptions of modern philosophy, stated simply, is that individuals have the intellectual capacity to think and act for themselves and can become self-reliant without external sources of guidance. Their life goals emerge from their needs and experiences, not theology. What they need is the freedom and opportunity to pursue their interests and achieve happiness.
Humanist psychologists Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers assumed that individuals are naturally driven to self-actualization (i.e., personal fulfillment) and included the need for esteem – both self-esteem and to be esteemed by others – as an essential component for human growth. Rogers believed that giving individuals unconditional positive regard created the environment for them to use their personal resources to their benefit. Eventually, the right to self-esteem became associated with the right to pursuing happiness and personal fulfillment in the American popular culture and then in most of the Western world.
The Modern Self-esteem Movement
Self-esteem gained widespread acceptance after the 1969 publication of the book “The Psychology of Self-esteem” by the psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden. He argued that self-esteem “is the single most significant key to [man’s] behaviour”. People became heavily invested in the idea that self-esteem is essential for personal and social success. As part of the self-esteem movement, academic programmes were introduced to boost self-esteem with increased use of awards and praise, even in the absence of any significant achievement.
In recent years, this approach to self-esteem has come under criticism. Dr. Carol Craig, Chief Executive of the Centre for Confidence and Well-being, says: “The danger is if you try to artificially boost young people’s self-esteem you undermine their well-being and what they are likely to achieve in life.”
Overlooked Aspects of Self-esteem
Below we consider some commonly overlooked aspects of self-esteem:
- Self-esteem falls short of stated benefits
Research has shown that self-esteem does not really predict the numerous positive outcomes touted by its supporters. Nicholas Elmer, a researcher at the London School of Economics says: “People with low self-esteem seem to do just as well in life as people with high self-esteem. In fact, they may do better, because they often try harder.” Dr. Roy Baumeister, a social psychologist who has researched the subject for many years, found that boosting self-esteem did not improve grades but instead “high self-esteem was a result of good grades, not a cause.” Hard work, not self-esteem, explained the academic success. High self-esteem seems to be the outcome of healthy behaviours; it is not the cause.
- Unstable feelings of self-worth
In many cases, high self-esteem itself is the problem. Baumeister examined the commonly held belief that low self-esteem can cause violent behaviour, but he found the opposite: artificially high self-esteem seemed to induce violence. In one study, researchers found college students with high self-esteem tended to insult other participants after hearing a negative evaluation of their performance. Some people can feel threatened when things don’t go their way and their high self-esteem is challenged.
- Narcissism: a product of unmerited high self-esteem
The message of most pop psychology books and articles on self-esteem is that of unconditional self-love. Positive self-affirmations like “I am truly special” or “I deserve the best” are used to restore damaged self-esteem. But the excessive focus on the self is a problem. Jean Twenge, author of “Generation Me”, believes the modern fixation with self-esteem has created an entire generation of narcissists.
It has been shown that individuals with high self-esteem have a greater tendency towards narcissism than those with low self-esteem. Artificially high-self-esteem generates egocentricity, a sense of entitlement and a thinking that’s cut-off from reality. This has implications for both interpersonal relationships and mental health. Narcissists tend to alienate others with their selfishness and need for constant admiration. Moreover, they can experience anger, anxiety, and depression when faced with life’s disappointments and challenges.
- Self-esteem’s relationship with resilience
Young people need to develop inner resources to cope with life’s challenges and setbacks. However, as Dr. Carol Dweck, Psychology professor at Stanford University, points out, promoting blind self-esteem through unearned praise and shielding young people from criticism hinders their growth by “making them so vulnerable that they’re not resilient”. When you are too focused on yourself and your emotions, you are more susceptible to negative thinking when something doesn’t go your way and less likely to take responsibility for yourself.
- Influence of materialism and the consumer culture
In a society where material values dominate, people tend to base their self-worth on material criteria like appearance, self-image, wealth, status, power, and popularity. They keep chasing new trends in the popular culture and media to fit in with others in their society. Since societal standards keep changing, basing self-worth on external, material sources traps them in an endless battle for maintaining self-esteem. Whenever they are unable to meet these standards they feel that they don’t have enough, or that they are not good enough.
Advertising and promotional messages play a central role in the self-esteem trap of materialism. Feeding on human insecurities, advertisements often associate the use of a product or service with high self-esteem. People end up spending money on emotional rather than objective grounds. Interestingly, researchers have found that materialism creates low self-esteem, and low-self-esteem increases materialism. One explanation is that individuals with low self-esteem rely on the use of material possessions as a coping strategy.
How to Achieve a Healthy Self-esteem
The preceding discussion has shown how an ego-centric perspective of self-esteem has undesirable consequences for self and society and highlights the need for a new thinking on building self-worth. Below are some strategies that can be employed for cultivating positive, enduring feelings of self-worth. They are derived from Islamic sources, research, and expert opinions.
- Realizing the real value of the human being
Allah (swt) has honoured us as a creation and dignified us with a soul. The Quran informs us that when He created Adam (as), Allah (swt) breathed into him his soul created by Him and asked the angels to prostrate to him. (Sad 38:72) Allah (swt) describes Adam (as) as that “whom I have created with Both My Hands”. (Sad 38:75) He created us in the best form, Ahsan-i-Taqweem. (At-Teen 95:4) From other places in the Quran, we learn how Allah (swt) taught us speech, the names of things, the ability to read and write, and gave us the capacity to reflect over His signs in the heavens, earth, and within ourselves. And most importantly, He considered us worthy of receiving His revelation. So the first source of our self-esteem is in realizing the inherent nobleness and potential of the human creation.
- Setting goals larger than oneself
The renowned psychologist Martin Seligman notes that the self-esteem movement undermines one’s sense of meaning and purpose in life. He believes that you cannot successfully build a good life solely on the basis of yourself, because a sense of meaning in life requires serving a goal larger than yourself. As believers, we recognize that the best way of setting goals larger than ourselves is by responding to Allah’s (swt) call. Our self-worth is tied to setting life goals in line with the bigger purpose of our existence and as prescribed in the Quran and the Sunnah.
- Striving towards goals and building character strengths
Setting meaningful goals and working towards them with perseverance is a source of well-earned self-esteem. From a Muslim perspective, success comes from Allah (swt), and the believer feels gratitude when things work out. In case of failure, he has the humility to accept mistakes, takes responsibility, and keeps going. The process of striving builds new life skills and character strengths that add to one’s self-worth. The Quran places value on our efforts, informing us that our striving will be seen in the Akhirah. (An-Najm 53:39-40)
- Having realistic expectations from life
Our life on this earth is for the purpose of being tested. In contrast, the modern view of life with its emphasis on the pursuit of happiness sets us up for disappointments. Realigning our expectations for this life, as mainly a preparation for the next, will protect us from attaching our self-worth to material outcomes only. Moreover, it will cultivate a healthy acceptance for setbacks in life.
- Acquiring your share of the world
We live in a material world, so, of course, we are going to be concerned about resources. Islam expects us to fulfill our legitimate material needs without being extravagant or greedy. The Quran reminds us: “…and forget not your portion of legal enjoyment in this world, and do good as Allah has been good to you…” (Al-Qasas 28:77) In fact, Muslims as an Ummah are advised to build their economic strength. According to the Islamic scholar Hamza Yusuf, after the migration to Madinah, Rasoolullah (sa) had the Sahabah build their own marketplace, because the existing market was mostly under Jewish control.
- Esteeming others
Self-focus is not the route to self-esteem; instead, dignifying others raises us all. Elaborating this point, Hamza Yusuf says: “Egocentricity makes life miserable for everybody. And when you begin to get out of yourself, and actually start thinking about other people, if you get a critical mass of people doing that, then you really begin to create a paradise on earth.” People of dignity respect other people’s right to dignity. Rasoolullah (sa) once stood up in respect for the passing funeral of a Jewish man to the astonishment of the Sahabah. The Prophet (sa) responded: “Was he not a soul?” (Bukhari and Muslim)
- Organizing your life around Allah (swt)
A Muslim knows he has no self-worth outside of the servitude to Allah (swt), and he attests to this when he makes prostration in Salah. When you recognize that your self-value stems from your connection to Allah (swt), you seek to please Him and remember Him in everything you do. With this mindset, you seek the Creator’s approval over the creations; it is a mindset that frees you from the mental enslavement of other people. Remember that if you wish to be honoured, then “…to Allah belong all honour, power and glory”. (Fatir 35:10)
- Practicing self-respect
Instead of inflating themselves, the Ibaad ur Rehman (servants of Allah (swt)) are those who “walk on the earth in humility”. (Al-Furqan 25:63) But humility does not mean a Muslim lacks self-respect. Muslims do not allow others to walk over them. In fact believers are told to show a dignified, calm response in the face of foolish, ignorant behaviour: “…when the foolish address them (with bad words) they reply back with mild words of gentleness.” (Al-Furqan 25:63) They do not allow other people’s behaviour to dictate their self-worth. Their emotional control reflects their high regard for themselves as believers.
Another form of self-respect is to avoid belittling yourself by revealing your vulnerabilities and mistakes in front of people when Allah (swt) has concealed them for you. Finally, self-respect extends to self-care, including proper nutrition, hygiene, exercise, and rest as well as practicing self-compassion.
- Restoring self-esteem with Tawbah
Being esteemed by Allah (swt) is the real source for self-esteem. And one of the most effective ways of restoring lost esteem is Tawbah, repenting and returning to Allah (swt). Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan, founder and CEO of Bayyinah Institute, says that a self-respecting person does not justify his or her sins and mistakes, nor does he or she insist on doing them. He notes: “You are special to Allah (swt), because you walked away from sin…You were able to break that hold and come back to Allah (swt).”
Conclusion
A healthy self-esteem requires a real and stable source of self-worth. Feelings of self-worth are less enduring when based on such external things as self-image, material success, and social approval. But if we derive our self-worth intrinsically, rather than propping it up with external sources, we can develop a positive self-worth that benefits us and our society. As argued above, this requires a paradigm shift in line with our Deen (religion). It is a self-esteem that is not a hollow claim to specialness; instead, it is derived from our connection to our Creator, the quality of our social interactions, and our efforts towards meaningful goals.
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