The Five C’s of a Successful Marriage

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Ar-Room 30:21)

The institution of marriage amazes me. It is indeed a sign from Allah (swt), how two different people from diverse backgrounds come to live together, love each other and build a family.

Nonetheless, maintaining a healthy married life is not as easy as it seems. For marriage is not limited to fancy dresses, romance and honeymoon. It goes beyond to handling differences, managing relationships effectively and strengthening the bond through thick and thin. It comes with a fair share of responsibility.

It is not very difficult either. We can all concoct a happy marriage by putting to practice a few simple ingredients. Following are the elements I have observed in the successful marriages around me. Let’s explore the five Cs:

1. Connect with your spouse. No matter how busy you are with your work, office, children and chores, make time for your spouse. You don’t always have to go out of the way to connect. It’s the small and simple daily things that build a happy marriage: smiling and winking at each other, reading together, taking a short walk, giving unexpected love notes, helping around with work or attending Islamic lectures together. Turn off the screens and spend some quality time together. Moreover, the strongest form of connection is when the spouses are connected in the common goal of gaining Allah’s (swt) pleasure. Together they work towards it and share the same aspirations and dreams.
2. Communicate with your spouse and learn how to do it effectively. Your communication should not be based on negative thoughts and assumptions. Rather, it should be grounded in mutual trust, understanding and positivity. Express your thoughts and feelings in a non-accusatory manner and avoid the universal ‘you never’ and ‘you always’. Be wary of the whispers of Shaitan, as creating discord between spouses is his most beloved act. The Messenger of Allah (sa) informed us: “Iblees places his throne upon water. He then sends detachments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: ‘I did so and so.’ Iblees says: ‘You have done nothing.’ Then one amongst them comes and says: ‘I did not spare so and so, until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife.’ Iblees goes near him and says: ‘You have done well.’” (Muslim)
3. Contentment is the key. As we look around us and scroll through social media, we start comparing ourselves and our bounties with others. Being human, the things we do not possess are more likely to catch our eyes: my wife isn’t as pretty as xyz’s wife, my husband isn’t as caring as abc’s husband. Be mindful of what you have. Start noticing, counting and cherishing the positive qualities that your spouse has, instead of brooding on what they don’t. Remember that nobody is perfect – not even you! Be grateful to Allah (swt) and take heed of the prophetic advice: “A believer must not hate (his wife) believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.” (Muslim)
4. Compassion. Your true character is not determined by how you treat strangers; rather, it is measured by how you treat your spouse. Prophet Muhammad (sa) said: “The best of you is the best to his wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.” (Tirmidhi) Emulate the Prophet (sa) by being kind and affectionate towards your spouse. Pay them attention, listen to them and recognize their efforts. Let your wife/husband know that you appreciate them. Be kind in your speech and actions and treat them the way you’d like to be treated yourself.
5. Compromise with each other. When two people live together, differences and disagreements are bound to arise, as we all think differently and have varied experiences. Being married, we must keep in mind that it’s not about ‘me’ now; rather, it’s ‘we’. Successful spouses are not self-centered. They do not force down their own opinions and ways on the other, but are considerate about the views, needs and desires of their spouse. When in a disagreement, there has to be give and take on both sides, and a conclusion should be reached based on discussion and mutual agreement. A healthy marriage relies on compromises from both the husband and the wife.