By Farheen Moin
“We need acknowledgement and tender witnessing of our losses.” ~ Gina Moffa
Grief is not easy to witness. It is a subject most people avoid talking about. This is understandable given that the reality of living without a loved one is overwhelming, affecting all aspects of one’s life and can be very hard to hold. Grief is our natural emotional response to loss and can involve a host of heavy and confusing feelings. It is about deep sorrow and heartache. It can be about missing, wanting, yearning, remembering, and even questioning.
Grief can make us so uncomfortable that we may struggle to find the right approach to support someone who is grieving. There are many grief theories, but the one most people are familiar with is the popular Kübler-Ross model of five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). David Kessler, who is a grief expert, added a sixth stage to this model: finding meaning. These stages serve as a reference as to what can constitute the grieving process as we move towards healing. The common impression is that there is a natural, linear progression through these stages ending on grief resolution. But in reality we don’t move smoothly through a set of stages to arrive at an end point, instead we move back and forth between different stages.
For this reason, healing from grief should be seen as a process that evolves and resolves over time. Below I discuss how you can help an aggrieved person navigate life after loss and hold space for them effectively as they go through the process of grieving. These suggestions are mainly for death-related grief but are applicable in many other experiences of loss like divorce, loss of a job, loss of a home and so on.
- Listen more, talk less. It is helpful to keep in mind that the person grieving the loss of a loved one is likely to be in a state of deep mourning. Their heart and mind would be flooded with memories, thoughts, emotions and images. They would be dealing with shock and uncertainty, and would not have the mental and emotional space to process too much information. And so listen compassionately, and when you talk, keep it simple and brief.
- Avoid platitudes. Grief platitudes like “Time heals everything” or “At least they are in a better place now” or “It is all a test” are of little comfort to the aggrieved person. Platitudes may even seem insensitive in the early stages of a loss when a person may be too overwhelmed to derive any support from such statements, no matter how well-meaning. In fact, too often we rely on such statements to soothe our own anxiety when confronted with their grief.
- Adjust to the relational and cultural context. Grief is a universal experience, yet it’s unique to the person and context. Grief can be very personal and complicated. How one person experiences grief can have a lot to do with their relationship with the deceased, the degree of attachment, their role in their life. There can also be cultural norms around grieving that shape their experience. Be sensitive to these subtle aspects as you try to comfort them.
- Acknowledge their pain, patiently. Grief is messy and it evolves over time. It usually doesn’t just disappear but comes and goes in varying intensities. The aggrieved person may be struggling with the void left by the deceased, they may wish to share stories and memories, they may be angry or hostile, or may simply go silent. Honor it. Acknowledge it. Don’t be impatient. Give them time. Your job is to provide a safe emotional space for them to process their pain.
- Don’t pry for details. Don’t burden the griever with unnecessary questions about what happened or how it happened. If there was a traumatic element to their death, like a drawn-out illness, involvement in a car accident, being a victim to a street crime, then repetition of those details can be retraumatising. In cases where the aggrieved person wishes to share aspects of their traumatic grief, then give them the space to lighten their hearts.
- Restrain Judgement. Don’t argue about or judge their thoughts and feelings. Also avoid commenting and analysing what the aggrieved or the deceased should or should not have done to avoid the loss. We really don’t want to burden them with guilt or regrets above all the existing pain. Lessons to be drawn can be discussed after the dust has settled.
- Show your presence. As they struggle to make sense of their loss, many people tend to isolate themselves. But the longer they are alone, the more they are likely to overthink. You can show presence with simple gestures like a touch on the shoulder, compassion in your facial expressions, or simply by being present around them in ways that make them feel comfortable.
- Honor the deceased. Seek ways to remember and cherish the memories of the deceased. Don’t hurry loved ones to detach and let go. Remember, we don’t need to severe our loving bonds with the deceased to move on. We can find meaningful ways to keep their memory alive in our lives as we move on without them.
- Provide practical help. One of the more significant things you can do is provide practical help. Don’t only ask if there’s something you can do, but also look for specific ways in which you can contribute. Many day-to-day needs would require attention. Do their groceries, help with the kids commute to school, take them for their doctor’s appointment, help with household chores, organize their cabinets and so on. Ask, offer and follow through.
- Help maintain healthy routine. People in deep mourning often experience a loss of interest in life and may stop caring for themselves. Sleep disturbances and appetite issues make things worse. Help them get some rest and regular meals. Take them out for fresh air, for a walk or a drive. Gently nudge them back into keeping a routine.
- Provide spiritual support. People are left with many existential questions. Use their faith tradition to provide them with some solace around issues of death and the afterlife. For instance, there is a wealth of supportive material in the Islamic tradition that can help us make sense of a loss or tragedy. Having said that, be judicious and don’t give religious or spiritual advice unless they appear open to it or request it. When you do provide spiritual counsel, do so in small digestible amounts, adjusted to their needs.
- ‘Growing around grief’. This recovery model created by grief counsellor Lois Tonkin acknowledges that grief may not lessen over time, or it may remain in some form, yet we can build a life around it and overtime the pain of the loss will no longer feel all-encompassing (see illustration). So when grief lingers, accept their grief while also helping the griever reimagine, plan and grow in other parts of their life.
- Pray for them. Sometimes you can’t do as much as you want or can’t be there for a grieving friend or relative because of distance or personal challenges. Remember, you can still pray for them. A sincere prayer is like a loving arm around those who are in mourning.
- Seek professional help. To further process and come to terms with their loss, and to learn some practical coping strategies, there is no harm in seeking professional advice. Therapy, however, should be considered an additional resource and not as a substitute for the much-needed support of friends, family and community.
In summary, provide a safe, supportive space for them to grieve, so that natural healing can take place. Focus on listening, acknowledging and giving comfort. Provide practical help as grief affects all aspects of a person’s life. If you want to counsel them, then do so gently, while being sensitive to their mental and emotional state. Grief evolves overtime, so work in incremental steps, rather than pushing for an overnight change.
Let’s remember to heal they need to grieve. An incident in Prophet Muhammad’s (sw) personal life is a poignant reminder of how grieving is an act of healing. That in tears there is mercy. When Rasool Allah’s (sw) son Ibrahim was breathing his last breaths, the Prophet’s (sw) eyes shed tears and the companion Abdul Rahman bin Auf asked, “O Messenger of Allah, even you (are weeping)?”
The Prophet’s (sw) response has become an eternal guideline for us in moments of grief:
He said: “O Ibn Auf, this is mercy.”
Then he wept more and said: “The eyes are shedding tears and the heart is aggrieved, and we will not say except what pleases our Lord; O Ibrahim! Indeed we are grieved by your separation.”
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