Teenage Matters – A workshop by hiba

For parents to understand, Mr. Salman painted a graphic image of the emotions of a typical teenager as follows:

Problems from a teenager’s perspective:

• My parents don’t trust me.
• Nobody understands me, except my friends.
• I can’t trust anyone, not even my parents and friends.
• I don’t know why my parents do what they do and what they want from me.
• I can’t share what I feel.
• I wish I was born free, I want to be free.
• I need more time to be with my friends.
• I don’t know why I am studying what I hate.
• I don’t know what I will be doing in future and where I will end up.
• I hate that everyone tries to instruct me.
• How can I remain accepted by everyone in my family and social circle?
• Sometimes I feel bad, down or depressed for unknown reasons.
• Sometimes I feel frustrated or irritated by something, which I rarely tell anyone.
• Course is lengthy and difficult – I feel enormous pressure of exams.
• I don’t have free time in my life due to overly packed study routine.
• Teachers are not supportive and I feel afraid to ask questions from them.
• Facing language difficulties (Urdu or English).
• Sometime I feel confused, cannot decide what to do and am afraid of taking wrong decisions.
• I would like to understand and follow religion but am not comfortable with religious people.
• It is unbearable, when my friends ignore me.
• I want to have my personal space and need privacy for myself – my life is so open.

 Key principles of parenting a teenager:

• Learn to look at things from their perspective. Try to define problems from their point of view.
• Understand and acknowledge their feelings, even if you do not agree to what they believe.
• Treat them, as if they were adults. Give them unconditional respect, which every human being deserves. Beware of your tone and choice of words, while you interact with them.
• Respect their privacy and maintain confidentiality. Do not spy on them.
• Seek their advice in your affairs. Share your life with them.
• Instead of describing a problem from your perspective, ask them to guess and state how you look at things.
• Never criticize their friends. Show respect for their choices.
• Don’t decide things for them; instead, decide with them or let them decide for themselves. Explore the criteria of intelligent decision making with them.
• When they consult you, give suggestions not rulings.
• Keep communication open. Discuss often. Engage them in reflective conversations. Maintain an RJ (Reflective Journal) with them.
• Express often what you feel about them both orally and in writing, in person and in public.
• Do not gauge their intelligence by their report cards and grades.
• Do not express your worries about their future. Express your trust in Allah (swt) and in the abilities of your children.
• Model exemplary relationships, if you want them to rise as emotionally competent individuals.
• Do not screen invade your family time.

The two big challenges for learning in the twenty-first century:

The First Challenge: Information Distraction

• Confusion on the relevance of information – what should I learn first and what is actually worth learning about?
• Emphasis on child’s personal learning needs – personal needs are not included in our curriculum. We should know what our priorities are and what we should learn for our personal needs.

The Second Challenge: Maintaining of Learned Information

Once we learn what is worth learning about, how do we not forget that?

For second challenge, we should apply the three screws of learning, so we would not forget what we have learned.

Three screw of learning are:

1. Note taking.
2. Sharing with at least three persons (especially your spouse).
3. Application within one week.

Transcribed by Faiza Rizwan – hiba’s representative and mother of four