by Alia Moin Adil
Certified Life Coach, Hiba magazine Team Writer
Are you safeguarding your good deeds?
Imam al-Hasan al-Basri said: “Safeguarding a good deed is harder than doing it. A man may do a good deed, but then he spoils it through boasting, or reminding (others of his favour), or through showing off.”
Thought-provoking!
When we look into our Deen there are very few things that can nullify a good deed. If we are watchful of those, we can safeguard whatever good we may have accumulated for ourselves. And of those things is ‘al mann wal adha’
What is ‘al mann wal adha’?
Allah (swt) says in Surah Al Baqarah 2:264: “O you who have believed, do not invalidate your charities with reminders [of it] or injury as does one who spends his wealth [only] to be seen by the people and does not believe in Allah and the Last Day. His example is like that of a [large] smooth stone upon which is dust and is hit by a downpour that leaves it bare. They are unable [to keep] anything of what they have earned. And Allah does not guide the disbelieving people.”
The word مَنًّا is from the root letters meem-noon-noon and it means ‘to confer a benefit or favor’.
The word أَذًى is from the root letters hamza-dhal-yaa and it means ‘hurt, to suffer damage, to be harmed’.
‘Mann’ is to remind somebody of the favour you have done upon them. To rub it in their face that we did something for you. ‘Adha’ means to bring any distress, any hurt feelings to somebody whom you have helped, by way of such reminders. ‘Adha’ is broader than ‘Mann.’ ‘Mann’ is a form of ‘Adha.’
The above Ayah informs us that if you follow up your Sadaqah by reminding people of your favour upon them, then in reality your Sadaqah is Baatil (null and void). Allah (swt) warns us – if you hurt the creation, you will destroy the Ibaadah between Me and you.
Sadaqah does not just mean giving somebody monetary support. Sadaqah can also mean giving time, helping somebody out, offering your expertise. It can be in the form of everyday favours such as cooking food for family, sharing a snack with a colleague, offering a ride to the neighbours, sending a check-in text to a friend etc. We don’t need to remind our families, neighbours, or friends how much we do for them. Allah (swt) knows everything. He is the One Who will reward us for our efforts and good deeds. Why waste the reward through constant reminders.
The Prophet ﷺ said, “The one who constantly reminds others of his favors shall not enter Paradise” [An-Nisai].
Why do people remind others of their favours upon them? They expect something in return. Allah (swt) says in Surah Mudhathir, 74:6: “And do not confer favor to acquire more.”
A person who is sincere in their actions would never follow up their Hasanaat (good deeds) with reminders to others of the favour they have done. It is a sign of weak Imaan to show off one’s Hasanaat or to expect returns from other people.
Most importantly nobody is powerful or resourceful enough to initiate any goodness without receiving Taufiq (ability to do good) from Allah (swt) anyway. Hence the credit of every type of goodness witnessed in the world only goes to Allah Al Birr (The source of all goodness).
Emotional Impact on the Receiver of Favours
The person who is reminded of the favour may experience:
Guilt: Feeling bad for not living up to expectations, even if none were agreed upon.
Shame: Feeling unworthy, indebted because they accepted help.
Confusion: Questioning their own worth, wondering if they were wrong to accept support.
Anger or Resentment: Feeling used or controlled, especially if the favour is being used to manipulate decisions or behaviours.
Sadness or Betrayal: Hurt that something given freely is now a weapon.
Loss of trust: Doubting the sincerity of the relationship or the intentions behind help.
The level of hurt depends on:
- The closeness of the relationship – The closer the bond (e.g., parent-child, sibling, spouse, friend), the deeper the wound.
- The manner of the reminder – Passive-aggressive, sarcastic, or public reminders can increase the sting.
- Frequency – Repeated reminders compound the emotional impact.
- Power dynamics – If the giver holds more power or authority, the reminder can feel intimidating.
This can lead to:
- Loss of self-esteem
- Feeling emotionally indebted or trapped
- Developing people-pleasing behaviors to avoid future shame
- Distancing oneself from others
Is it Emotional Abuse?
Yes, it can be considered emotional or psychological abuse when:
- The favor is repeatedly brought up to control, guilt, or manipulate the other person.
- The giver expects repayment in emotional, behavioral, or material ways not agreed upon.
- The reminders are used to diminish the person’s independence or self-worth.
This behavior falls under “covert abuse” or “gaslighting-like manipulation”, especially when the person on the receiving end begins to question their own value or decisions due to repeated guilt-tripping. The favour reminder is earning Allah’s (swt) displeasure. But seldom does he/she see it as a sin.
In summary, using a past favour as leverage to shame or control someone is not a healthy or respectful behaviour. The emotional hurt can be deep and lasting, and in many cases, it is recognized as a form of emotional abuse, particularly when it is part of a broader pattern.
Golden Rule:
The best favours are offered freely, without expectations of anything in return. It’s the small, unexpected acts of kindness and care that often have the biggest impact.
In Islam, we are encouraged to live conscious and concerned lives. Be conscious of what you say and do, and concerned about the impact of your words and actions upon others.
Healthy relationships offer help without strings attached and do not use support as a tool for future manipulation.
