“Divorce is described by the Prophet (sa) as the most hated permissible act in Allah’s (swt) sight. When difficulties in a marriage cannot be reconciled, divorce in its various forms is a blessing to the involved man and woman allowing them to end their union, so they may go on to find a more compatible mate.” (Amira Murphy)
Here the question arises: how wisely, justifiably and frequently is this option being selected today? This law was prevalent in yester years as well – but why was this option hardly ever considered? And why do we witness an unprecedented upward spiral in broken marriages today?
Dr. Julie Macfarlane from Canada researched the ongoing trends in the Muslim communities of North America. Surprisingly, the results that emerged appeared to be very similar in nature to what Pakistan is currently witnessing. Some reasons why Muslim marriages are on the rocks are as follows:
- Disconnection from the spirit of Islam.
We need to understand that what the Molvi Sahib or Qaariya set for your child or what he learned in his or her Islamiat course in school does very little for him/her in terms of providing a sound Aqeedah and a deep Iman. Every Muslim has to go through the Quran and the Seerah cover to cover before entering into the realms of marriage. And once married, they have to stay a lifetime student for newer challenges arising. The Quran and the Sunnah are empowering courses for people of understanding and resolve. Our brides and grooms are ignorant and unaware of their marital responsibilities.
- Pursuit of happiness and free will.
Many of us see marriages as our source of instant personal happiness. We have to understand that this is a relationship, which promises gratification to all those who are willing to work hard on it – it is like a fertile land waiting to be cultivated. However, many want to hire gardeners who would sweat it all out for us. We just want to stroll in the flowering and full of fruits garden of bliss with no contribution on our part. Happiness comes to those who wait around for it, and, sadly, in many marriages, patience is lacking. Most marriages are not even lasting two years to give each other a sufficient chance for turning a new leaf. Simply because the relationship does not grant instant happiness and free will, it is ended far too soon.
- Absence of trustworthy arbitrators and seeking arbitration.
Trending into a secular mindset, where everything is considered to be a personal choice, many married couples and their families never pursue arbitration or wise counsel. Earlier older or wiser individuals played vitals roles in patching up relationships and persuading the warring couples to negotiate or compromise on common grounds. With the disappearance of this role, marriages are breaking up instantly with no room left for reflection or review. Also, fewer arbitrators are present to offer sound counsel. This significant role needs to be readmitted to the process of conflict resolution in marriages.
- Gender roles and authority.
There seems to be a very confused state of affairs in terms of gender roles. Women on one hand demand gender equality, which means they should be granted the same roles and responsibilities men have. Hence, they want to step out of the house and work to feel valued and honoured. In Islam, it is clearly the man’s job to serve his family financially and take up more physically challenging tasks. Since the woman is emotionally stronger, she is to nurture in the nest. But due to the role reversal at home for caring or raising of kids, women feel less responsible and want to share these roles with their husbands. Men feel less obliged to this role reversal.
- Relations with in-laws.
Earlier, any injustices meted out by either of the party were brushed under the carpet. Marriages were kept intact because they were viewed as unbreakable and sacred covenants – sometimes, due to the pressures of the society and at other times, for the children’s sake. Recently, parents of warring partners have also stopped persuading them to keep the relationship going. If they see any problems, they prefer a quick dissolution, rather than asking the quarreling couple to bear with patience, because with time, small problems and irritants do go away, as husbands and wives mature, settle their differences and live more agreeably.
- Adultery/ extra-marital relations.
There are fewer men for a whole lot of women out there. Polygamy, as the prescribed solution by Islam, is not liked at all. Naturally, when we have more and more women stepping out of their homes to pursue education and careers, temptations of Zina escalate. Work places and educational institutes offer free mixing and inter gender interactions even in Muslim societies. The most conservative of families do not seem to mind this gender mixing. However, it does pose great threats to married couples, as their friendships with the opposite genders at times turn into extra-marital affairs ruining their own marriages.
- Domestic violence and abuse.
With the flight of Iman and Sabr, we see more daring individuals surfacing. It is a matter of life and death to prove yourself right and the other wrong. Anger management in the light of core Islamic values is the need of the hour.
All in all, Shaitan is taking the trophy home every single day. Collapse of our marriages is a huge and most critical challenge that demands instant attention. The ripple effect of failed marriages will bring down the entire Muslim societies. And it needs to be dealt as a catastrophe.
“Rabbi ya Rahman Yassirli Amri.” (Ameen)
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