The Husband’s Role in the First Year of Marriage

By Ammar Awais

The first year of marriage is often described as the “honeymoon” period, but it is also a critical time for the couple. How the spouses treat each other and get along in this initial phase often determines the quality of their long-term relationship.

Marriage requires both spouses to adjust to a new beginning. In our society, the wife is typically expected to learn how to cope with married life since she usually has to move to a new home. However, this does not mean that men are immune to the challenges of married life. Indeed, men need to proactively prepare for marriage and learn how they can contribute towards its success.

This article discusses four principles that a husband should follow in the first year of marriage to provide a strong foundation for a happy relationship: adaptability, respect, good communication, and independence.

Adaptability

Before marriage, men usually enjoy a greater degree of freedom than women in our society. Marriage naturally curtails some of this freedom, so the husband needs to adjust quickly to living as a couple. He must learn to share his possessions, divide his time, and make small sacrifices for the sake of his wife. Since his choices and decisions may also affect his wife now, he must carefully consider their consequences before making them.  

Adapting to marriage also requires a husband to accept his wife’s shortcomings. He should bear in mind that no human is perfect – including himself. While both spouses should strive for self-improvement, some negative habits and flaws are bound to persist.

A man who refuses to accept his wife’s weaker points is not worthy of enjoying her greatest qualities. As the Prophet ﷺ stated, a man should not be spiteful towards his wife, because “if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another”. (Muslim)

Advice for the new husband:

• Spend more time in meaningful conversations with your wife as opposed to browsing the internet.
• Learn to make occasional sacrifices to make your wife happy such as giving up your preferred cuisine in favour of your wife’s favourite food when dining out. 
• Help around the house, doing chores and minor repair work. Remember, the Prophet ﷺ “used to keep himself busy serving his family” at home. (Bukhari) 

Respect

Most women in our society are rightly taught from an early age to respect their husbands. However, men should also know how to value and honour their wives, recalling the Prophet’s ﷺ statement that “there is no provision in this world better than a righteous wife.” (Ibn Majah – Sahih) The husband must also be respectful and courteous towards the individuals his wife respects, especially his in-laws. He should have a keen regard for his wife’s likes and dislikes, rather than treating her preferences as something trivial.

Respect for the wife also means not taking her emotions and wishes for granted. In this regard, Clayton M. Christensen makes an important point in his book How will you Measure your Life? He writes that we often fail to realize what our spouse wants from us.

Even when intending something good for our spouse, we may end up giving them what we think they should need. However, our focus should be on what they actually want from us, in order to have a more fulfilling relationship.

Advice for the new husband:

• Learn to become a good listener and give your undivided attention to your wife when she needs it.
• Accept that your wife’s views on various subjects will differ from your own. Refrain from belittling let opinions or imposing your own views upon her.
• Never make your quarrels with your wife a public spectacle. Rather, deal with them in the privacy of your bedroom while maintaining a low tone to prevent anyone from eavesdropping.

Communication

Open and honest communication between spouses is important for two reasons. First, it allows either spouse to express their thoughts, emotions, and fears rather than keeping them imprisoned inside. Second, it allows them to discuss difficult issues and complications in their relationship which is important since it prevents the escalation of problems and misunderstandings between the couple.

A husband must choose his words wisely, especially during an argument. He may say something inappropriate in anger which he does not mean at all, but it can hurt his wife immensely, causing lasting damage to their relationship. Similarly, he must be careful about the jokes he makes concerning his wife, as her sense of humour may be different to his. When uncertain, it is better not to say something which the wife may deem offensive, even if it is uttered humorously.

Advice for the new husband:

• Encourage your wife to share her memories with you, and share yours with her.
• When you say something hurtful, apologize to her sincerely. Make it clear that you are sorry and that it was totally wrong for you to have said such a thing.
• If something bothers you about your wife’s attitude, do talk to her in a calm and polite manner. It may momentarily trouble her, but it will keep the resentment from building inside your mind, which will ultimately benefit the relationship. 

Independence

One of the best parts of marriage is enjoying your wife’s companionship and creating lasting memories with her. However, marriage is not about doing everything together. Either spouse requires some space and time of their own. Be sure to give that privacy to your wife. This will allow you both to better appreciate each other’s company when you do spend time together.

The husband and wife might not have the same interests or enjoy the same pastimes. They can effectively apply the concept of “parallel play” in such cases. Parallel play is used to describe children playing with separate toys in the same room. However, modern therapists recommend the same strategy for couples – to engage in different activities, such as the husband exercising and the wife reading a book, while being in each other’s company. This can strengthen the connection between spouses, and also allow them to pursue their individual interests.

Advice for the new husband:

• Even after marriage, it is good to have a productive pastime that you enjoy. If your wife enjoys it too, you both can do it together; otherwise, encourage her to find a relaxing pastime of her own.
• If your wife wants to pursue a career, support her whole-heartedly, while emphasizing the need to stay within the bounds of Shariah.
• Never prevent your wife from visiting her parents’ home or occasionally going out with her friends. Both you and your wife should be able to socialize individually, in addition to having a social life together.

In conclusion, the husband’s willingness to embrace higher values and contribute positively to the marriage in its first year can send across the right signal, motivating his wife to do the same.

This can turn the marriage into a beautiful relationship in which the spouses find peace and comfort in each other’s company. It is for this type of fulfilling relationship that the Prophet ﷺ remarked, “There is nothing like marriage for two who love one another.” (Ibn Majah – Hasan)