Conflict is a natural part of human interaction; every person is different and has differing opinions, perceptions, goals and values. And this is especially true for a family, who, though connected by blood and DNA, are still individuals with their own ideas, points of view and thoughts.
Unfortunately, families fear conflict and see it as something to avoid. Many simply choose to ignore conflict. The danger in this approach is that the conflict festers under the surface and then bubbles up in subtle ways. Engaging in conflict does not have to be negative or counterproductive. In fact, it can be positive. Conflict can be helpful in making necessary changes within a family and to teach children to use strong interpersonal skills to identify conflict and resolve it in a positive fashion. Learning these skills of identification of the problem, dialogue, cooperation and negotiation can be very useful for children in later life.
Games and activities are great way to create a safe environment to help children understand their usual reactions and then go on to discover more effective strategies for conflict resolution with their siblings, parents, friends and others. Here are some ideas:
Anger Ball-Toss
Using a softball or a stuffed animal, the parent should start the activity by saying, “I feel angry when…” then completing the sentence. The ball is then tossed to the first child who repeats what was said and adds their own sentence. The toss game continues with each child repeating the sentence of the child before them and completing the sentence for themselves.
In this way, the children discover what makes their peers/ siblings/ parents angry, and some might even find that the same things make them angry. The idea is that by knowing what creates conflicts, children will attempt to avoid those activities or things that bother each other.
Consensus Activity
Place an object in front of the children and have them brainstorm what they can do with that object. However, if your usual conflicts with the children are something like going to the park or the library, you can easily use that instead of the object. In this case, the children brainstorm the fun things to do at those places. You can separate the children into teams, based on who wants to go where; then tell them that the idea is to present a case to the other team that convinces everyone to go to one place.
Once they have brainstormed all the fun things about each place, they present their case. Take another vote to see, who wants to go where. Have those children that changed their mind join the other team and continue to convince the others, why the other place is better. Eventually, everyone will have one place they want to go to, and the children will have learnt an important lesson in negotiation and compromise.
I-messages
Introduce the concept of “I-messages” and “blaming” messages. Tell the children an “I-message” is a statement about your own feelings. It says what’s bothering you and why.
Example: “I feel sad when you don’t play with me.”
A “blaming” message says, what is wrong with the other person.
Example: “You’re stupid. You’re so selfish.”
An “I-message” is constructive and points to a solution. A “blaming” message puts the other person on the defensive and leads to more conflict.
Make a list of the conflicts your children face on a piece of paper. Ask the children to brainstorm “I-messages” in these situations as well as “blaming” messages. Discuss what works better.
Pushy Pairs
In pairs, get each child to stand facing each other. They put their arms straight out in front of them to shoulder level and touch palms with the other person. They are going to push as hard as they can against each other to move the other. Once they have pushed and felt what it was like, tell them suddenly to stop pushing and feel how much of a relief it is.
Talk about how this is what happens when we are in conflict with someone, with each of us trying to ‘push’ our own ideas. We end up with a lot of effort going in with no positive outcome, both sides get exhausted and at least one ends up unhappy.
The Orange Story
Tell your children the story about two kids fighting over a single orange, the only one left in the fruit bowl. They fought to no avail and eventually went to their mother, who discovered that one child needed the peel for baking and the other needed the juice to quench his thirst. If the children had only talked it out, they wouldn’t have had to fight at all. Help children realize that many conflicts can be avoided with better communication.
Draw it Out
Pick a child to be the “explainer” and give him/her a simple line drawing picture. This child must call out instructions to the other children (the “drawers”) to draw this object without seeing it. The explainer must face the other way. When the time is up, have the explainer show the group the picture and have members compare how they did. Ask children to say how easy or hard the task was for them.
Now select a different child to be the “explainer”. This time the “explainer” and “drawers” will face each other. The “explainer” will use his or her voice, as well as facial expressions and gestures to describe the picture. The “explainer” can also answer any questions the “drawers” ask. When the time is up, have the “explainer” show the group the picture and have members compare how they did. Ask the children, if it was easier this time to draw the picture and if so, why? At the end of the activity, lead the children through these questions:
- What helped you as the “explainer” to do the best job describing the picture?
- What helped you as the “drawer” to understand what you needed to draw?
- What did you do, when you were having difficulty explaining the picture?
- What did you do, when you had difficulty understanding what to draw?
- In real life, when you do not understand what someone is telling you, how do you react to that situation? What are things you do to understand them better?
- Why is it important to take the time to understand what someone is trying to tell you?
- What do you do, when you are trying to tell someone something and they do not seem to understand you?
- Why is it important to take the time to explain something important to someone when at first they do not understand what you mean? Point out that feeling frustrated is natural. Finding ways to understand what a person means, or to be understood if you are the person talking, can help to reduce frustration and conflict which can result when people do not understand each other.
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